Religism (ri-líj-iz-em) noun
The Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock has an infinitely liberal attitude toward the beliefs or non-beliefs of those who elect to join the congregation. Virtually any belief is allowed and encouraged.
Suggested beliefs may be offered by the church pastor and any member of the congregation. Non-member suggestions are also accepted. Anyone is free to view the cumulative list and accept or reject any encountered. Anyone may also, at any time, offer additional suggested beliefs or non-beliefs by e-mailing them to the Very Left Rev. Oral Groove, congregation founder, pastor and charter member.
Members or prospective members may thus fabricate a belief or non-belief system uniquely tailored to their own needs. Such is the magnanimousness of CRYES.
Without further ado, here are the CRYES officially suggested beliefs -- so far:
There are no illegal immigrants, only irrelevant borders.
Atomic secrets are a blast"
"Coffee is so bad it's good"
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a documentary
"It is in you, and with luck, a good physician can remove it"
"Anything misplaced can be found in the last place
"The availability of money is inversely related to your need for it"
"Friends will be there for you, especially in reruns"
"Make ye a joyful noise, and people will suspect
you're up to something"
"You can, indeed, have it your way"
"You know exactly
where you want to go
"The power of cheese is awesome to behold"
"Believe what you want; or don't"
"Choose your deities and rank them in any way that you see fit"
"Refer to your deities in any manner you may deem appropriate"
"Fashion images of
your deities from whatever materials
"Remember Friday, for is is surely the best day of the work week; but forget not Saturday and Sunday, the only excellent days of the week"
"Honor your parents
and stepparents, at least until you are big
"Kill if you must, but
only if you stand to profit immensely
"Adultery is a fact of life, but commit it carefully"
"Never steal anything small"
"Should your neighbor
prove irksome, anonymously
"Cultivate the friendship of any neighbor who is better off than you, frequently dropping by without warning, mooching her or his food and drink, and borrowing anything she or he may own and keeping it indefinitely, denying ever having seen it, should your neighbor inquire"
Belief suggestions accepted.
DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.