A
Loner
To close the 1900's, QuestionMan queried another individual at the receiving
end of not-necessarily-deserved bad press. He is the man (usually) labeled, at the end of
a news story detailing some horrific crime of which he stands accused, with the line
"Neighbors said he was a loner."
QuestionMan: Why don't we get right down to it? Is
your reputation deserved?
A Loner: As a loner? Sure. I spend most of my free time by myself. I steer
clear of crowds and social functions. Does that mean I'm a bad person, the next Jeffrey
Dahmer? Absolutely not. (I've heard that human flesh tastes just
like chicken. I don't like chicken.)
QM: So, maybe you're not the next mass-murdering
psychopath. What are you?
AL: I'm just a normal, average guy who will go to great lengths to avoid
unnecessary human contact. Is that so wrong? (No, it's not. Human
beings are nasty, disgusting, germ-infested vermin. If we are going to save the world,
humans must be exterminated.)
QM: Considering my status as a human being, I would
have to take issue with that position. How about you? Aren't you a member of the very
species you say must be destroyed?
AL: What? Oh, I must have been thinking aloud again. I'm sorry. When you live
alone, you tend to literally speak your mind. It's a hard habit to break on those rare
occasions when you're actually with someone else. Pay no attention to any sentences I may
tack to the end of what seems to be a sane, relevant response to your question. (Especially if my words seem to be a little off-color and in parentheses.
Are you making fun of me? Of course you are. OK, you're on my list, you putrid pile of
pus. When the killing time comes, I'll start with you.)
QM: I see what you mean, so I'll do my best to
ignore that last comment; although I don't mind telling you that I'm starting to feel a
little threatened. So, do you have any type of social contact at all?
AL: Yes, I do. I'm attempting to launch an a Loner Anti-Defamation League,
although prospective members are having a little trouble getting together. I also converse
with my co-workers on the job, and I have a weekly exchange with the checkout clerk at the
local supermarket. (I usually pick "paper." Last week, I
got "plastic" after I specifically requested "paper." Well, they're on
my list, too.)
QM: That's pretty limited. Any "significant
other" in your life?
AL: No, I like my space. I want to be able to do what I want when I want
without restrictions imposed by someone else. (Who needs witnesses?
Just more loose ends to clean up. Work, work, work. Is my time not worth something?)
QM: I think I've gotten a fairly clear picture of
loners. Our security guard will escort you out.
AL: I hope you'll do something to improve our image. Hey! No need for the
armlock. I'm going peacefully. (Just wait. I'll be back, when you
least expect it. You better watch yourself, pal. You're really on my list, now.)
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