Mr. Know-It-All

Volume XI
Issue 8
August 2008

Mr. Know-It-All

Even if you've never seen Mr. Know-It-All, you've certainly heard him. He's everywhere -- family gatherings, crowds, accident scenes. He's got an answer for every question, usually disputing your own opinions on any given subject.

QuestionMan: I'm loathe to start this interview in a combative mode, but what makes you so sure that you know all there is to know about everything?
Mr. Know-It-All: No question about it. I have doctorates in erudition, pedantry and pretension. I know of no subject on which I am the world's leading expert.

QM: That's difficult to believe. How can you possibly master all the accumulated knowledge of mankind plus the massive amounts of new information being generated every moment?
MK: I have a photographic memory and a voracious reading appetite. I also watch a lot of public television. Go ahead, test me.

QM: OK. If I were to head due east from Baffin Island's Home Bay across the Davis Strait until I hit land, where would I be?
MK: You would be in Disko Bay, Greenland. Is that the best you can do? You're wasting my time!

QM: Sorry, but I've never professed to be an absolute authority in all areas. What would you consider to be a suitably challenging question?
MK: In light of my vast storehouse of knowledge, nothing could seriously challenge me. My chief delight is in impressing those around me with my ready knowledge of minutia.

QM: Isn't that the real reason you volunteer your two cents worth every chance you get, that you have an insatiable craving to be the center of attention?
MK: On the contrary. My real motivation is my overpowering desire to give others the benefits of my enormous wisdom. Inquiring minds want to know, and I'm always ready to fill them in.

QM: And the world is grateful, or is it?
MK: Surprisingly, people are frequently annoyed when I correct their misperceptions and attempt to diminish their ignorance with extensive details on the subject at hand. Some have even challenged me to a round of fisticuffs in response to my good intentions.

QM: That doesn't surprise me. In fact, I have found your attitude increasingly annoying throughout this interview.
MK: Well, I didn't want to say anything, but you do seem to come up a bit short in your knowledge of basic interview techniques. Haven't you ever watched a Barbara Walters celebrity interview? You haven't once come even close to bringing me to tears.

QM: Yeah? You want tears? Maybe you'd like to take the rest of this interview outside?
MK: Actually, many of the truly great fights of history have taken place in the great outdoors. There was David and Goliath, for example, back in biblical times...

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