Innocent Bystander

Volume XI
Issue 9
September 2008

Innocent Bystander

The ultimate victim, Innocent Bystander, appears to possess an uncanny knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately for QuestionMan, a card-carrying member of the International Innocent Bystanders Association just happened to be in the vicinity as he looked for his monthly interviewee.

QuestionMan: IIBA members must be the most unlucky persons in the history of humanity. What's up with that?
Innocent Bystander: If I knew the answer to that question, we wouldn't be having this conversation. They say that bad things sometimes happen to good people. With us, bad things always happen to good people.

QM: You consider yourself "good people," then? Your miserable series of mishaps isn't some type of divine retribution for a life of sin?
IB: Absolutely not! I go to church, pay my taxes, help other people, exercise both my body and mind, and stay on the morally straight and narrow. Why, I've even had kind words for Kenny Starr.

QM: I can't believe it's just fate that keeps putting you in harm's way. Do you take a lot of unnecessary risks? Thumb your nose at danger?
IB: Quite the opposite. Believe me, anyone with a history like mine quickly becomes cautious, even paranoid. I avoid performing all of the actions superstitiously associated with bad luck. I have never walked under a ladder, broken a mirror or come within a mile of a black cat. I carry a rabbit's foot and a four-leaf clover. I stay away from obvious trouble spots, like dark alleys, seedy bars and public schools.

QM: OK, you don't exactly go looking for trouble, so what kinds of trouble find you?
IB: How many kinds are there? Whenever a large, heavy object falls from a high-rise building, guess who will be calmly strolling on the sidewalk below? Anytime a bank robber takes hostages, guess who gets shot first to get the attention of the police? Anytime an embassy location mysteriously disappears from the strategy maps of war-waging nations, guess who will be in that embassy's lobby for no particular reason?

QM: I'm just taking a wild guess here. Would that be you?
IB: Bingo! I can see by the look on your face that you don't believe me. Let's try a little a test. I'll take your place behind the desk and you take my seat. You can see what it's like to be me.

QM: All right. There. Now what?
IB: Now, all we need to do is wait for a...

The Globe-Guardian regrets to report that this interview could not be completed. Moments after switching places with QuestionMan, Innocent Bystander was struck and critically injured by a light fixture. Although only inches from the impact, QuestionMan was not hurt.

Doctors remain hopeful that the victim may regain consciousness, but they do not expect their patient to make a complete recovery due to several unexplained failures of life-support equipment since Innocent Bystander was placed in intensive care. Investigation of the accident revealed that the screws holding the light fixture in place had worked themselves loose over several years, and the fixture could have fallen at any time.

[ Home ]