Deadbeat Dad
The frequent focus of regional talk shows, national manhunts and international
extermination campaigns, this month's QuestionMan interview subject is none other than
Deadbeat Dad.
QuestionMan: So, you're the notorious Deadbeat Dad we've heard
and read so much about. My feminine side feels compelled to repeatedly slap you about the
head and shoulders. Fortunately, my masculine side is in charge today.
Deadbeat Dad: Thanks for the restraint. I'd like to point out that Deadbeat Dad
is not a name of my own choosing. I got it the moment I was divorced and ordered to pay
child support to the woman who found true love in the arms of a gypsy shoe salesman.
QM: Well, you've got to admit that you richly deserve the title.
After all, you're making a six-figure income and not contributing a dime to your
children's welfare, right?
DD: A bit off the mark, Q-man. My approximate income at the time was a princely
$20,000. The state, in its infinitely wise random-number approach to child support payment
schedules, saw fit to take a quarter of what it likes to call "disposable
income." My after-taxes and after-support income was more in the neighborhood of
$10,000. Payments are ripped right from my weekly paychecks, so non-payment is a
non-option.
QM: I see. That doesn't leave much for your living expenses,
does it? How do you make ends meet?
DD: I got a second full-time job in the lucrative fast foods industry, which
boosted my income by about what had been removed through child support. Unfortunately, I
am required to report all employment changes to the child support agency. Not too long
after I complied with that provision, I was notified of a payment "adjustment"
hearing which would add 25 percent of my gross second income to the payment pot.
QM: Didn't the hearing give you an opportunity to contest the
adjustment?
DD: Well, I had heard the term "kangaroo court," but when a real
kangaroo came bounding into the courtroom wearing judge's robes, I figured that making my
case was going to be difficult. The most annoying part was the way the kangaroo kept
banging that damn gavel strapped to its arm whenever I tried to raised an objection.
QM: Judgment for the plaintiff. So, what did you do then?
DD: I got really interested in the bankruptcy attorney and home equity debt
consolidation loan TV ads for a while, but I eventually took the high road. I got a third
job. I can't tell you much about it, only that it appears to be connected to organized
crime, involves making deliveries at unusual hours, pays cash and will not be reported to
the child support people.
QM: Won't they get suspicious when they see that you have enough
money to pay your bills despite their best efforts to keep you in poverty and smear your
good name?
DD: They are, but they haven't succeeded in pinning anything on me, so far. The
body cavity search in their last raid on my home was particularly humiliating. With any
luck, I'll be able to hold on until my children reach the age of 18.
QM: It would seem that the Deadbeat Dad label doesn't fit as
well as the popular media would have us believe. Sorry for the disparagement and good
luck.
DD: Thanks. I'll need it.
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