Santa's Helper

Volume XI
Issue 9
September 2008

QuestionLady is written and played by SL Stukey, herself an Obscure Celebrity of a sort. It is likely that somewhere, sometime, you have read something she has written, especially if you live in the Midwestern United States. She has been writing promotional material, instruction manuals, and other such everyday literature for many years (she'd say how many, if she could remember what year she started, it was 1989, or maybe 1991). She always thought she'd be a real writer someday, but she's not holding her breath anymore.

She can be contacted at:

Santa’s Helper

This month, QuestionLady wound up with another seasonal interview. On a whim, she contacted the North Pole, expecting the usual response: a cheery press release with the usual holiday comments, good wishes to all, and list of the various types of hay, grain, and lichens fed to the reindeer, total number of candy canes needed to decorate the workshop, and other North Pole trivia facts. But, to her surprise, the North Pole agreed to send one of Santa’s Helpers to be interviewed. Due to the busy schedule of the North Pole staff, no precise time could be set, so on the day of the interview, QL sat glued to her rickety, old, wooden, swivel, office chair, with only a glass of eggnog and a plate of cookies to keep her company.

Sometime after lunch, just as QL was beginning to feel a bit queasy from too many cookies and too much eggnog, Santa's Helper knocked on the door and whisked into the office. Much to QL’s surprise, SH was a middle aged lady, unfashionably dressed, to be honest, dumpy, with the standard middle aged lady cut and permed hair. She sat down and placed her bulging tote bag on the floor by her chair.

As usual, QL’s journalistic instincts and training failed her, and she blurted out:

QL: You’re not an elf!
SH (crossly): No, I’m not. (SH crosses her arms and glares at QL. The interview was not starting well.)

QL: I apologize, but, um, aren’t you a little cranky for one helping Santa dispense Christmas joy and cheer? (SH relaxes a bit, and manages a weak smile.)
SH: I apologize, as well, but YOU try swimming through the crowds to find the perfect gift. And the food! (SH looks pointedly at the half-empty glass of egg nog and the plate of cookie crumbs.) No one leaves a nice chicken sandwich and glass of ice tea, unsweetened. It’s all cookies, pies, sour cream dip, cheese balls, odd little oily pastry things, cream soups... seafood trays! (SH closes her eyes and shudders.) And the drinks. Just as bad. Mostly a haze of alcohol--I’m not opposed to a good stiff drink, but I don’t look forward to an endless supply of booze. Not to mention the KINDS of mixed drinks people offer you! Rudolph’s Flaming Nose? Cherry Chocolate Martinis?! Not to mention the gallons of milk and eggnog, with or without rum. (SH closes her eyes and shudders again. She looks a little green.) I shouldn’t speak for Santa and the other helpers, but I think I can safely say that none of us ever want to see another glass of milk or cup of eggnog. (pause) But, I don’t suppose that’s what you invited me here to ask, now, is, dear?

(SH seems much more cheerful, and smiles a genuine smile at QL. The ambience of QL’s office, normally a bit chaotic, possibly postmodern even, began to seem Victorian and orderly. The quartz halogen lamps seemed to emit a golden, cheerful glow, rather than their normal brisk business glare.)

QL: No, but, um, I was expecting an elf -- Santa's helper, elf, thought they went together. (SH beams. She no longer seems offended by the elf situation.)
SH: Oh, no, dear, the elves all work at headquarters. Santa is so busy; the man works himself to the bone, poor dear, and he needs all the help the elves can give him. The branch offices are staffed by the rest of us helpers; we aren’t elves, though we do come in all shapes and sizes.

QL: What about the elves at the Santa Stops in the malls and department stores?
SH (laughs, the laugh is suspiciously musical, almost elflike): Of course they’re not real elves, just some of us helpers using a little Santa magic to look like elves.

QL: Right.

(QL had some hard-hitting questions about the non-union labor Santa uses--elves or not--and the question of animal cruelty regarding forcing reindeer to fly around the world at top speed for hours at a time, but, somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to ask them. A nicely decorated tree had appeared in one corner of the office, and sprigs of holly and garlands of pine boughs had attached themselves to the ceiling molding.)

QL (looking at the additions to the decor): Well, you certainly seem to be spreading a bit of Christmas cheer around here.

(Struggling against the tide of peace and goodwill seeping through the room, QL managed one hard-hitting journalistic question.)

QL: Why doesn’t Santa spread this cheer to everyone? Why can’t he manage to bring gifts to all the good people in the world? I mean, there are many, many deserving folks who have nothing for Christmas, and some complete scumbags have a great time. (SH, whose face seems to have become very jolly and dimpled, and smiling, looks somber.)
SH: I don’t have an answer for that. Neither does Santa, I fear. Many’s the night the elves have seen the poor dear sit up all night worrying about that very thing. He goes over his lists; he checks them once, he checks them twice, he checks them thrice, but still some naughty folk get gifts and some nice folks get naught.

QL: He should overhaul his list system.
SH: Oh, he has, he has, many times. This isn’t new. It happened to Santa long before he was called Santa, long before the midwinter holiday was called Christmas, or Solstice, or any of the names it has been called. All the way back to when men were sitting in caves, this has been the case. And Santa has tried many different ways to make it work right. None of them have succeeded.

QL: So why hasn’t he scrapped the system altogether, given up on a flawed and failed holiday?
SH: People need holidays. And, sometimes, even when the system breaks down, people make their own Christmas cheer, and the world is a better place, if only for a moment.

(Now the office was filled with a positively unstoppable ambience of well being and warm sentiments, impossible to fight against. QL gave up the struggle and settled back in her creaky, old, ready-to-be-replaced office chair, and flipped her notebook shut.)

QL: You managed to fill this office with a little Christmas cheer, if only for a moment.
SH (smiling): This has been quite restful! I hope you have a lovely holiday, dear!

(SH picks up her bag and heads out the office door. QL was limp and relaxed in her office chair; old, rickety, wooden, swivel monstrosity that it is [gift hint to GG editors, since she doesn’t feel a bonus coming on]. As SH closes the door behind her, QL opened her eyes just in time to catch a glimpse of a scarlet sleeve on the arm closing the door. QL scrambled to the door, flung it open, and leapt into the corridor just in time to see a figure in black boots and a red suit with white trim, carrying a bulging tote bag, disappear around the corner. QL whipped around the corner, but there was no one in the hall, only a faint sound of sleigh bells and a soft ho, ho, ho.)

Damn. Another journalistic triumph blown. QL planned a hard-hitting expose of Santa, with all the deep dirt wormed out of SH. You know, drunken eleven orgies, Santa’s secret life as Scrooge (or worse, QL can think of many juicy versions), savage reindeer attacks, sweatshop conditions at the North Pole, the works. Instead she got the standard ‘Santa fools mortal’ story, with a large glob of ‘create your own peace and goodwill’. The press release would have been better. This is why QL will never have a job with the Times or the National World Spectator Snoop and Gossip.

QL stomped back to her office. There was not even the satisfaction of slamming her office door--it slammed, all right, but with a mellow Victorian creak and thump, reminding one of the offstage special effects at the local community theatre production of ‘Scrooge II: The Later Years’. Bah, humbug! Oh, OK, Happy Holidays, and a Better New Year!

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