Nosy
Neighbor
We seem to have entered an era in which people can live in the same home for
decades without getting to know their neighbors. Sometimes, that's a good thing.
QuestionMan: I was surprised to find you rummaging
through my trash can when I came in just now. Don't you think that's an invasion of
privacy?
Nosy Neighbor: No, not really. You were done with it, right? I've found
that one of the best ways to get to know someone is to take a look at what they're
throwing away. I see, from some of the notes I read, that you and your secretary are very
close. How does the missus feel about that?
QM: There is no missus, and I'll ask the questions,
thank you. Do you jump to a lot of wrong conclusions in your approach to data gathering?
NN: I wouldn't call them so much conclusions as suspicions. Suspicions
don't become conclusions, in my mind, until I've compared what I've learned with
information obtained by other curious neighbors. Was there ever a missus?
QM: Again with the questions. Yes, there was a
missus; and no, my relationship with my secretary had nothing to do with her departure.
Now, can we move along with this interview?
NN: Hmm, I see. Certainly. I'm not here to judge you. We're not neighbors, are
we? Where do you live?
QM: None of your business. What other surveillance
techniques do you employ in your misguided efforts to get to know your neighbors?
NN: Well, dropping in unexpectedly on some flimsy pretext is an excellent
method. One can only get so many ideas by watching a neighbor's behavior outside his home,
mowing the lawn, doing yard work, gardening, etc. Like the song says, no one knows what
goes on behind closed doors. Unless, of course, you make a habit on knocking on those
doors at various times of the day and week. What do you like to do in your spare time?
QM: I spend most of my time neighbor-proofing my
house. I'll bet you don't get invited over to your neighbors' homes for dinner or parties
too often. Am I right?
NN: As a matter of fact, yes, you are; and quite frankly, I don't
understand it. I've made it clear that I want to get to know them, yet they don't seem all
that eager to get to know me. I invite them to parties, but nobody comes. Once, they even
had a block party when I was on vacation. How friendly is that? Say, what are you and your
secretary doing this Saturday night?
QM: We don't date, and I'm, ah, washing my hair.
Besides, I'm not your neighbor, remember?
NN: Well, you haven't elaborated on your relationship with your secretary,
and you haven't told me where you live. You're peaking my curiosity. Why are you being so
evasive?
QM: Why are you being so invasive? I'm beginning to
feel extremely sorry for your neighbors. What won't you do to get information about them?
NN: Actually, I haven't really drawn that line at this point. You wouldn't
believe the wealth of surveillance equipment available to the consumer these days. So far,
I've purchased an excellent telescope and one of those boom microphones, you know, the
kind that can pick up a conversation inside a house through an open window from two doors
away?
QM: I wouldn't know. Aren't some of the things
you're doing illegal?
NN: Not to my knowledge, but is anything really illegal unless your
caught? Do you ever do anything inside your home that might be of interest the law
enforcement community?
QM: I won't dignify that question with a response.
What about your neighbors? Don't they object to this constant scrutiny? How do they react?
NN: I've gotten a few dirty looks, but nobody has directly confronted me
about my activities. I'm pretty clandestine. Now that you mention it, my next-door
neighbors never seem to stay for much more than a year. I don't mind. Watching new
neighbors move their stuff in is one of my favorite pastimes. Want to see my photo
collection?
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