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Copyright
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Pets Not Ready for
Y2K (Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 1999) -- With the year 2000 mere days away, a federal report today warned that virtually none of America's pets are Y2K compliant. This alarming fact led revelations contained by the absolute final report released by the President's Year 2000 Conversion Council. America's dogs, cats, and, to a lesser extent, armadillos, have been largely neglected in the hubbub surrounding Y2K preparations by corporations and essential services. "We were definitely caught catnapping on this one," admitted John Koskinen, council chairman. "As it turns out, most common household pets are amazingly attuned to human timetables. They actually know, in their own instinctive, animal way, current human calendar dates and times of day, which puts them at risk for Y2K. Tests done under tightly controlled laboratory conditions have confirmed our worst fears." Lab technicians who simulated the Y2K calendar turnover for a variety of canine and feline breeds reported that 97 of 100 test subjects failed the tests. When confined to an environment indicating, by several clocks and calendars placed within their fields of vision, that Jan. 1, 2000, had arrived, most of the pets simply keeled over and went into cardiac arrest. Fortunately, attending lab personnel were able to revive the stricken animals in an adjacent room still indicating a 1999 date. Pets at home when midnight strikes this Dec. 31 will not be so lucky. "Our pets have apparently bought into the same six-digit date format that has led computer-oriented human society into such a quandary," Koskinen said. "We're not certain how this happened, but we think pets have become mired in the human concept of time through cues from their feeding schedules and the owners' weekly work routines. When their internal clocks read 01-01-00, they interpret the date as Jan. 1, 1900, believe they have not been fed in nearly a century, and immediately shut down." Further lab tests have indicated that a technique for "upgrading" affected pets for the new millennium, utilizing hypnotic suggestion, has been developed. Veterinarians throughout the country are being instructed in this technique, but authorities stated that this information dissemination cannot be completed in time for all pets to be upgraded by the new year. "We're advising all pet owners who cannot have their dogs and cats upgraded by the deadline to confine their pets in a light-tight, date-free area of their homes until their local vets can help them," Koskinen said. "We're also advising families to do the same for children too young to grasp the ramifications of the date change. Preliminary tests have indicated that kids 3 years old and younger may be affected." 'Los Antiguos' Raid (Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, July 15, 2017) -- Pharmacy owner Manuel Mendez squints at the setting sun and scowls. Night will come quickly, and with the darkness may come yet another visit from "Los Antiguos." Los Antiguos, "The Old-timers," ride at dusk. Boldly striking from hidden bases north of the border, they raid Mexican border towns with disturbing regularity. They seek just one thing, the prescription drugs carried by Mendez and many others like him to meet the burgeoning demands of American babyboomers. "They take what they want, when they want. They are unstoppable," Mendez lamented. The Mexican government has repeatedly stepped up patrols on its side of the border since the raids began a little less than 5 years ago. Los Antiguos, guided by sophisticated global positioning and other communication equipment aboard their heavily armored Humvees, have rarely struck areas in which Mexican guards were prepared to challenge them. In those few instances that patrols have intercepted Los Antiguos operations, they have been reluctant to engage the superior firepower of the raiders. Mexico has lodged numerous official protests with the U.S. State Department concerning Los Antiguos. Mexican authorities are particularly miffed at the seeming indifference of the American border patrol in the situation, as well as an apparent complete lack of American law enforcement interest in locating the raiders' base of operations. "Our mission is to stop illegal Mexican immigrants from crossing the border into the United States, not to prevent bona fide Americans citizens from returning to their homeland," declared Justin Uniform, a U.S. border patrol spokesman. "Besides, we kind of like the 'Robin Hood' aspect of what they're doing." Although Los Antiguos are not exactly "robbing the rich to give to the poor," they have become heroes to a growing segment of American senior citizens who cannot afford to purchase life-saving prescription drugs, even at Mexican prices. As early as 1999, aging Americans -- strapped for cash on fixed retirement incomes -- were buying drugs in Mexico at a fraction of what they would cost in their home states. The diabetes medicine Glucophage, for example, priced at $44 in Mesa, Arizona, was selling for $7.80 in Nogales, Mexico. Who are Los Antiguos? The identities of these masked avengers are as secret as their hideouts, but they seem to be a group of spry retirees fed up with seeing their impoverished peers trying to stretch their overpriced medications by cutting pills in smaller pieces every day. Their funding source is equally mysterious. Many believe that trillionaire recluse Bill Gates, who has developed a reputation for bankrolling unconventional do-gooder projects since the government breakup of Microsoft, may be the money man behind the raiders. When first faced by the incursions of Los Antiguos, Mexican prescription drug sellers fought back by fortifying their stores and arming their employees. Such defenses proved no match for the raiders, whose vehicles were impervious to small weapons fire. Once the shooting stopped, Los Antiguos simply blew out store walls with armor-piercing weaponry and made off with their pilfered pills. Store owners quickly realized that they could best cut their losses and avoid casualties by allowing the raiders to take what they sought. They began stocking larger supplies of key medicines to ensure that they would still have some in stock for paying customers. "We will keep selling the drugs to los Americanos viejos," Mendez said, "but Los Antiguos make our business much less profitable." GOP Added to Terrorist
List (Washington, D.C., Oct. 8, 2000) -- The United States added the National Republican Party to its list of "terrorist organizations'' today, in delayed response to the party's role in Senate rejection of the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty last October. The addition followed the second list review in the past 3 years. The Republicans are in good company on the list, which last year gained the al-Qaida group of Osama bin Laden, accused killing than 200 in the 1998 bombings of American embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam. With the addition, the list now contains 29 names. The GOP has the distinction becoming the first American organization to make the grade. A counter-terrorism spokesman for the U.S. State Department, which compiles the list, said the change does not mean the GOP is suspected of conducting terrorist activities. By derailing treaty ratification in the United States, however, the party is considered to have "facilitated development of nuclear weapons by organizations hostile to the United States of America and its allies." It is illegal for Americans to provide funds or material support to the groups designated as terrorists by the list, which was mandated by Congress in 1996. Known members of these organizations can be blocked from entering the United States. U.S. financial institutions are required to freeze the accounts of organizations on the list. The Clinton administration, with Democrats fighting an uphill battle in the presidential and other key election races, denied that the Republican addition to the list was politically motivated. By changing its stance on the test ban treaty, the GOP could easily be dropped from the list in the next review, scheduled for March 15, 2001, the state department spokesman said. "We sincerely hope that the National Republican Party will do the right thing sooner than that," the spokesman concluded. [ Home ] |
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