|
Copyright
© 1998-2010 |
Fighter Tapes
Declassified (Washington, D.C., July 17, 2043) -- Cockpit conversations and aircraft radio transmissions taped during the NATO-Serbian War late last century were declassified here today. The tapes bring to light many of the heroic acts performed by the pilots flying for the NATO Alliance as it sought to stop the evil Serbian Empire. Conversation transcripts include details of the historic attack runs made by several fighter squadrons in early 1999 at Kragujevac, thought by many to be the turning point of the conflict. The Alliance objective in Kragujevac was the primary manufacturing plant for the Yugo, which had come to symbolize the heart of the Empire. By destroying the plant, the Alliance expected to break the industrial back of the Empire, as well as put an end to its diabolical plans to dominate the world market for deceptively inexpensive cars. "Our pilots had limited success in previous attacks on the facility," recalled Buzz Canyon, retired USAF lieutenant colonel. "The plant was situated in mountainous terrain and could be approached only at a low altitude along a narrow, heavily fortified corridor. That made our pilots extremely vulnerable to anti-aircraft fire as well as enemy fighter attacks from behind." Further complicating the mission was the fact that destruction of the target could be assured only if aircraft-launched missiles could be precisely placed in a large exhaust port located near the center of the factory. Two squadrons, code-named Gold and Red, totaling 30 fighters made attack runs on the factory in April of 1999. Gold Squadron was destroyed in the first runs. The following transcript excerpts were taken from the target runs made by Red Squadron. Red Leader: This is it. Shortly after that transmission, Red Leader was downed by enemy aircraft fire. That left only three members of Red Squadron to complete the mission. The following transmission transcripts were taken from the last minutes of their run. Red Two: MiGs. Coming in, six o'clock, high. I'm hit. I
can't say with you. At this point, according to other newly declassified war documents, the MiG attack on Red Five was broken up from above by an impossibly low-flying USAF stealth bomber. Bomber Pilot: Yahoo! You're all clear. Now let's blow this thing and go home. Red Five immediately thereafter fired his missiles, which entered the exhaust port. As the fighter pilot soared up and away from the site, the Yugo plant erupted in a wall of flames. Bomber Pilot: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. "Lucas, the bomber pilot and the other surviving members of Red Squadron got a hero's welcome when they returned to Base One," said Canyon. "They later received the NATO Alliance's highest decoration, the Box Office Smash, and flew two equally successful sequel missions." Maybe Mass Murderer (Springfield, Va., Aug. 23, 2000) -- Could little Ralphie Higgins be the next school yard butcher? The mere statistical possibility made this normally peaceful little town the center of a mass media circus this week. It all began with an anonymously posted internet rumor that the next most likely school multiple-murderer had been found. Higgins, 8, who will enter the third grade at Springfield Elementary School this fall, was identified through "advanced computer demographic analysis" and other factors. Having exhausted all possible angles on last year's tragic mass student slaying at Littleton, Colo., including extensive one-year anniversary observations of the event this April, major media began descending on Springfield moments after the rumor hit the net. In response to the tremendous pressure being placed on their personal lives, the Higgins family members hired an attorney and called a news conference. "I wish to make it crystal clear, up front, that my client has done nothing wrong and is not plotting to commit any type of crime," B.A. Racuda, the attorney retained by the family, stated in opening the press conference. "Keeping those facts in mind, I'll start by taking a question from the gentleman representing the LA Times." "When did your client first begin plotting the murders of his classmates and teachers?" "What part of my last statement did you not understand?" countered Racuda. "Either rephrase your question, or we'll move on to someone else." "I apologize. What makes your client the boy most demographically likely to someday begin plotting the murders of his classmates and teachers?" "That's better. We don't really know how this conclusion was reached, although Ralphie does seem to fit the profile of a potential student murderer constructed by the FBI. He is a socially backward boy, frequently taunted by other students. His father is the local police chief, which gives him a familiarity with firearms and a possible, deep-seated resentment of authority figures.' "Next question. You, from the Fox Network." "Thank you. Have there been any other indications that your client is a future school triggerman?" "A few," responded Racuda. "His mother was a heavy cigarette smoker during her pregnancy with Ralphie, which Danish studies indicate may have instilled a tendency toward criminal violence. During pre-school and kindergarten coloring and finger-painting projects, he showed a preference for somber, dark, gothic tones. He also seems to become visibly agitated whenever he hears a Marilyn Manson selection. When he grows up, he says he wants to be a postal worker." "We'll take the next question from the CNN correspondent." "Have you gotten any media offers for rights to your client's life story?" "Yes, we have," Racuda replied. "but we want to give everyone an equal opportunity to secure book, television, movie and any other rights to Ralphie's story that we can individually market. Bidding will remain open for the next 30 days, so I advise your superiors to act fast." Following this announcement, the press conference quickly dissolved as reporters turned to their cell phones or the nearest public telephones to alert their home offices.
'Big Disappointment,' Investors Say
Higgins Graduates without
Incident (Springfield, Va., May 23, 2010) -- A decade of media suspense ended at 3 p.m. today with the calm conclusion of commencement exercises for the Springfield High School class of 2010. Among new graduates was Ralph Higgins, demographically identified 10 years ago as the boy most likely to machinegun his classmates before he completed high school. The capacity audience was completely silent as the school superintendent presented Higgins with his diploma. Higgins politely thanked the superintendent and left the stage to standing ovation. "This is, of course, a big disappointment for us," said Rudy Tutetoot, professional spokesman, speaking for ABC news, which had paid $1.2 million for exclusive coverage of the graduation. "We kept hoping for some type of dramatic, violent ending, a hidden weapon, or at least a water balloon assault." Tutetoot blamed tight security, which included metal detectors and strip searches of all participants, for the dull ending. Not speaking for NBC, Tutetoot declined comment on whether his network would execute its $2.3 million option to produce a movie of the week chronicling Higgins' adolescence. That story has been covered in great detail by the National Enquirer, which secured the right to place a reporter with the Higgins family and issue daily dispatches for the last 10 years. Any American who went through a supermarket checkout since Aug. 23, 2000, is familiar with the life of Higgins. Many recall such memorable headlines as "Cranky Higgins Given 'Time Out,' School Officials Fear Worst;" "Higgins Gets Detention in Gym Class Towel Snapping Incident, School Lockdown Ordered;" and "No Prom Date for Higgins, Springfield under Martial Law." NBC and ABC were not the only media who felt let down by the young graduate's unpredicted peaceful demeanor. The Higgins family also sold rights to a book and a line of action toys which was to be tied to the movie and distributed by Burger King. None of the contracts included a performance clause, and the Higgins family reportedly grossed more than $11 million in the deals. "I suppose you are all wondering why I never became the mass murderer everyone expected," Higgins stated in a press conference held immediately following commencement exercises. "I guess there were times when I might have snapped, like when that cheerleader took me to a cool kids party and won an ugly date contest." "But there was one very important difference between me and all the other outcast students who had gone bezerk before me," Higgins continued. "They were so desperate for recognition that they were willing to perform unspeakable acts and face death to get it. I, on the other hand, thanks to you fine folks in the media, already had one of the most recognized faces on the planet. On top of that, you had made me a multi-millionaire at the age of eight. What could I possibly add to my life by turning to violence?" "I'll take only one question, from the NBC reporter, because I feel a little guilty about not giving you a return on your investment." "Mr. Higgins, I understand you will enter Harvard next fall. Any chance that the snootiness of an Ivy League campus will sour your disposition?" "You know, I can't really say. If your organization or anyone else out there is really interested, I invite you to contact my agent." SISKEL GIVES HEAVEN The late movie critic's afterlife review came unexpectedly during a show being taped by his television partner, Roger Ebert. About midway through the taping, Ebert appeared to suffer a seizure, went into a trancelike state and began speaking in Siskel's voice. "Frankly, I've found this place to be boring, repetitive and predictable," Siskel/Ebert reported. "The setting is bland, the plot is undetectable and the characters are the most transparent I've ever encountered. I would have walked out halfway through the performance, but I remembered that I wasn't in a theater." Expected soon, former President Richard M. Nixon's review of Hell. IRAN COUNTERSUES The suit is a response to a $100 million suit filed in 1999 by Terry Anderson, a former Associated Press correspondent, who was kidnapped and held captive from March of 1985 to December of 1991. The suit alleges that Iran sponsored his captors, the Hezbollah. Anderson claims that during the course of his ordeal, he was blindfolded, shackled, beaten and mentally tortured. The Iranian countersuit maintains that Anderson was the willing guest of the Hezbollah. The correspondent, the counter suit claims, was housed in a luxury hotel and provided with exotic, custom-prepared cuisine and nightly performances by standup comedians. The suit alleges that Anderson, after nearly seven years of credit extensions, repaid the kindness of his hosts by skipping out on his hotel bill. The countersuit seeks lump sum compensation for room and board, and entertainment expenses, plus punitive damages. In other law suit developments, Greece is suing Italy for stunting its national development during the Roman Empire; England is suing Germany for damages sustained by London during World War II; and the United States is suing Canada for repeatedly allowing cold fronts to cross its southern border. HEAVY METAL Movement from Platinum to Titanium after the latter's early 1999 introduction was decidedly lackluster, according to banking industry reports. Consumers apparently associated Titanium with strength, which seemed like a step down from such precious metals as gold and platinum. Bankers are hoping for greater success this time by introducing an element of novelty with the new card. "The Uranium Card offers all the perks of our Titanium Card, no annual fee, low interest, shiny holograms," explained Citicorp spokesman, Richard "Rich" Richardson, "but it is also the first charge card that glows in the dark. On top of that, the Uranium Card has no expiration date. It has a half-life." [ Home ] |
|
|