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'Liar, Liar Law'
Signed (Washington, D.C., April 1, 2021) -- A collective sigh of relief could be heard from politicians throughout the nation today as President Jesse Ventura signed into the law the controversial political perjury act. The legislation is officially titled the "Politician Perjury Protection Act of 2021," but it is more popularly known as the "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Law." The subject of lengthy mock debate by House and Senate members, the bill grants any duly elected public official in the United States full immunity from charges of perjury, obstruction of justice or contempt of court arising from testimony taken under oath while actively serving in office. Impetus for the measure began more than 20 years ago in the wake of President Bill Clinton's impeachment investigation and trial, which cost American taxpayers approximately $37,478,017.13 and ended in the acquittal most knowledgeable observers had predicted from the start of the investigation. "With this bill, we ensure that the American people will never again be victimized by such a needless waste of time and resources," Ventura noted, with pen poised. "Before I sign, I want to state, for the record, that I have never lied while serving in public office; but I have great sympathy for those who have." Ventura's quip drew brief, uneasy titters from the representatives, senators and other integrity-impaired dignitaries gathered in the Oval Office to witness the signing. "This bill recognizes what the American public has long known," observed Sen. B.S. Balderdash (R-Ill.), "that today's elected official, in order to effectively perform his or her duties, must, by necessity, at times skirt the absolute truth." The bill extends immunity to any non-elected officials serving under publicly elected officeholders. That, however, is where the line was drawn. Killed in committee were amendments which proposed similar protection for attorneys, judges and used car salesmen. "American society, without doubt, holds many professional liars outside the political arena," said Nevada Reno, U.S. attorney general, "but we cannot allow legislation to make a mockery of our justice system, which does a fine job on its own; and Lord knows, car salesmen are already tough enough to prosecute." Titanic
Whistles (St. Paul, Minn., March 1, 2000) -- Blown for the second time in 88 years today, the whistles recovered from the Titanic showed they could still respond to the right stimulus. "The sound literally knocked me to the ground," exclaimed Ole Olson, Red Wing, Mn., who was among the estimated 4,000 persons who attended the event at Union Depot here. Indeed, the blast was heard as far from St. Paul as Wausau, Wis., Milbank, S.D., Otukamamoan Lake, Ontario, Canada, and North Wood, Iowa. A Nevada U.S. Geological Survey seismic station recorded an "unexplained disturbance" originating from the Midwest at precisely the same time as the whistles were blown. "We felt that we needed to call in a professional after our embarrassing attempt to sound the whistles last year," explained Ole Larson, director of the St Paul Convention and Visitors Bureau, sponsor of the Titanic Artifact Exhibit, which includes the whistles. According to newspaper accounts at the time the Titanic embarked on its fateful maiden voyage in 1912, the ship's whistles had an audible range of 10 miles on the open sea. The approximately 2,000 bystanders who gathered for the first post-sinking whistle blowing on Feb. 20, 1999, placed the whistles' sonic radius at closer to 10 feet. "I was very close the first time, so I covered my ears," recalled Olson, an unemployed professional car parker, who attended both soundings. "I didn't hear a thing." The disappointment was explained by the fact that compressed air was used to blow the originally steam-powered whistles during the first blowing. In the replay, the difference was made by none other than Monica Lewinsky, whose sole talent came to light in the still-simmering Clinton Administration sex scandal. "Oh, I may do only one thing well, "said a beaming Lewinsky, thrilled to be back in the national spotlight, "but I do it very, very well." Lewinsky reportedly received a handsome fee for her efforts, although the undisclosed amount was believed to be substantially less than the earnings she derived from her White House service. First Completely Recycled (New York, N.Y., Jul. 10, 2016) -- Coming this fall, a television season in which absolutely everything aired will be something you have seen before. Long jaded viewers may have anticipated this development over the past few decades, as networks have broadcast fewer new episodes of every series each season. Last year, the networks, ever mindful of their profit margins, committed to only two episodes for each new series. They authorized a mere six for returning hits, saving three of those for "sweeps" periods. So much for the bad news. The good news is that even though viewers may never again see an entirely new television program, they may not know it. The new season will be built on continuing exponential advances in computer power and three-dimensional modeling, which have enabled producers to mine the vast raw materials of past hits and remanufacture them in an infinite variety of ways. Beloved actors and actresses, whether living or dead, can now reappear in digitally rendered "new" scenes, even uttering "new" dialog. "We can digitally create ten 'new' 26-episode programs featuring anyone already 'in the can' for roughly what we paid in salaries for one hit show last year," claimed Juan Morrtyme, television industry spokesman. "I think most viewers are going to be amazed by what we've been able to do with some of their old favorites." Although none of the networks plan to make previews of their new programs available before they air, complete schedules and synopses for the new season have been released. A sampling of announced offerings created from network pooled video resources follows. WKRP in Minneapolis (Sundays, 8 p.m. CBS) -- The zany adventures of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre Midwest radio station. Starring Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Richards, heartwarming but plucky associate news producer; Ed Asner as Lou Grant, crusty but malleable station manager; Gordon Jump as Arthur Carlson, bumbling station owner and aspiring appliance repairman; and Loni Anderson as Jennifer Marlowe, a mind masquerading as a voluptuous blonde secretary. Promised guest stars include Gavin MacLeod as luxury oceanliner captain Murray Stubing; Ted Knight as ineffectual on-air newsman Les Nessman; Jan Smithers as Georgette Franklin, Nessman's girlfriend; and John Moffitt as the producer. M*A*S*H*E*R (Mondays, 10 p.m. CBS) -- The madcap mishaps of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre Mobile Army Surgical Hospital Emergency Room. Starring Alan Alda as Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, wisecracking but skilled surgeon who sets new standards in male sensitivity; Harry Morgan as Col. Sherman Potter, the unit's gruff but infinitely wise administrator; George Clooney as Dr. Douglas Ross, a gifted but troubled visiting civilian doctor; and Anthony Edwards as another, somewhat less troubled, civilian sawbones. Expected cameos will come from Loretta Swit as Nurse Carol Hathaway; Juliana Margulies as Maj. Frances Burns; Jamie Farr as Dr. Anna Del Amico; and DeForest Kelley as Dr. Leonard McCoy. Mad About Seinfeld (Saturdays, 9 p.m., NBC) -- The manic antics of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre marriage in the Big Apple. Starring Jerry Seinfeld as Paul Seinfeld, the earnest but confused husband; Helen Hunt as Jamie Buchman-Seinfeld, the difficult but lovable wife; Jason Alexander as George Seinfeld, Paul's conniving but endearing brother; and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Jamie's incredibly ditsy but forgivable sister. Recurring roles will go to Michael Richards as Peter Van Nostrand, the Seinfelds' properly British apartment neighbor; Brian George as Babu Bhatt, a luckless restaurant operator; and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. All 117 internet television networks have fleshed out complete opening new season schedules employing the new technology, and they have a healthy stable of reconstituted midseason replacements waiting in the wings. Among the more promising titles ready to take the stage are My Mother, Car 54; L.A. McBeal, That 70s Happy Days Show, Married Unhappily Ever After With Children, Charlie's Angelwatch, My Favorite ALF and Oh Noooo!: the Mr. Bill Impeachment Hearings Show. "With more than 60 years of television programming in our archives, the possibilities are endless," Morrtyme concluded. [ Home ] |
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