fn9901

Volume XII
Issue 7
July 2009

House Democrats Demand
President's Impeachment
By Peter Rather
Washington Bureau Chief

(Washington, D.C., Feb. 1, 1999) -- In an apparent backlash against concerted GOP efforts to impeach President William Jefferson Clinton, House Democrats today called for impeachment of Charlton Heston, president of the National Rifle Association of America.

Heston, 74, NRA president since June 8, 1998, stands accused of multiple counts of "inappropriate conduct" with a young AK-47 in the NRA executive office approximately two months after assuming the presidency. Because the alleged incidents also involved tequila and cigars, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms was called to investigate. Impeachment demands stem from allegations that Heston lied to a federal grand jury about the charges during testimony taken last month.

"These accusations are complete fabricated by the liberal media," Heston told reporters at a press conference called by the NRA. "They can reshape the truth, remake it, mask it or eliminate it."

Statements made by representatives during House impeachment hearings were predictably divided along party lines. While Democrats generally favored removing the president from office, Republicans were more disposed toward leniency.

"We are living in an America in which we know that felons are prosecuted and are not allowed to remain in office," observed Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas). "We live in an America in which rights prevail, wrongs must be righted, and indeed, we have to stand up today, tomorrow, and forever, for the rule of law, the bylaws of the National Rifle Association, and accountability. Impeachment is the one tool given us by our founding fathers, to do precisely that, in precisely this circumstance, with precisely this president. It's either that, or shoot the S.O.B."

"We are morally bound to make our disapproval known," countered Rep. Bob Barr (R-Georgia), "But we can best do it through censure, an act which would help us maintain our weaponry and to ensure that our dream of an arms-bearing future remain a reality."

Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Florida) disagreed.

"Those who have the mantle of leadership, who have firepower and privileges beyond the those of the average citizen, must be expected to meet basic responsibilities," Wexler stated. "One of those responsibilities is to tell the truth under oath, as every citizen is required to do. If these responsibilities are not met, the average, ordinary American is overwhelmed. Our survival will, indeed, be in question. For those invested with semi-automatic weapons and privileges, it seems to me that the simple code for them to follow is this: to whom much ammunition is given, much is expected in return."

"There are no good answers to these questions," retorted Rep. Bill Jenkins (R-Tennessee). "But I believe in my heart that firearm morality is a complex equation, that good people sometimes do bad things with their guns, that moral people sometimes commit immoral acts. When I look at the totality of this case, I am left with one undeniable conclusion: the president betrayed his Smith and Wesson. He did not betray his country."

"This is nothing more than a case of SWAT team character assassination," Heston said. "I have come to realize that a cultural war is raging across our land, storming our values, assaulting our freedoms, killing our self-confidence in who we are and our rights to do as we see fit with our firearms. What’ll become of the right itself or other rights not deemed acceptable by the thought police? What other truth in your heart will you disavow with your hand?"

Heston, while maintaining that he had done nothing wrong, questioned the right of "those filthy apes in the House" to take any action in the case. Impeachment of the NRA president, Heston said, "clearly falls outside the jurisdiction of Congressional powers envisioned by our founding fathers."

"Mr. Heston is absolutely right on that point," said Rep. Paul Ryan, 28, freshman Republican from Wisconsin, "but try telling that to Democrats bent on revenge."

Ryan was installed as House Speaker last month after a long series of failed nominations to the post. Senior Republican House members declined to serve on the grounds that their past private behavior might not stand up to the kind of scrutiny the office is expected to draw in the wake of the Clinton affair.

President Unveils
Plans to Pave Iraq
By Sam Sawyer
International Correspondent

iraq.jpg (15078 bytes) (Washington, D.C., Oct. 25, 1999) -- In the most hard-line stance taken to date, President Bill Clinton today announced plans to pave the entire nation of Iraq with a 12-inch layer of quick-setting, reinforced cement.

"This move will end, once and for all, Iraq's threat to its neighbors and underwrite a lasting peace in the Middle East," Clinton said. "Upon completion of Operation Desert Parking Lot, Iraq will, at last, become a nation with nothing to hide and no place to hide anything. That applies to weapons of mass destruction, as well as Saddam Hussein. If Saddam would happen to be in one of his underground bunkers when the cement is laid, the official position of the United States of America would be 'Oops.' "

The border-to-border paving operation had already begun when the President made the announcement at a press conference held early this morning. Heading northeastward from the Saudi Arabian border, a line of heavy earthmoving equipment is leveling the terrain, moving just ahead of a fleet of pre-mixed cement trucks. Operation Desert Parking Lot is expected to take several years, depending on the level of resistance met.

"The Iraqi people are being given every opportunity to relocate from the country in a peaceful and orderly manner," Clinton said. "Bombing runs aimed at razing buildings in Baghdad and other more heavily populated areas of the country will not commence until our Caterpillars approach their outskirts."

Clinton characterized the plan as a "more humane alternative" to past military attacks, which have resulted in heavy civilian casualties. Operation Desert Parking Lot, however, drew mostly negative reactions around the world.

Formal protests came from countries expecting the biggest influx of Iraqi refugees as the paving advances, including Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, the United Arab Emirates, Syria, the Palestinian territories and Iran. Saudi objections have been softened by an offer of first dibs on the lucrative recreational concession possibilities raised by the new expanse of Iraqi pavement.

Among other nations critical of the operation were France, Russia and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. The only significant support came from the British, who are airlifting additional cement trucks and gravel to the effort.

Resettlement of the paved Iraq will not be permitted, according to Pentagon officials. "Irock," as media wags have already renamed the country, will be under constant satellite and seismographic surveillance. Any incursions detected either on the sheet of concrete or below its surface will be met with immediate military response by strategically placed U.N. forces. Exceptions are expected to be made for limited development of skateboarding parks and skating rinks on designated areas of the Iraqi slab.

To symbolically cement a new era of peaceful relations with the balance of Middle East nations, a giant "Smiley Face" will be painted in the approximate geographic center of the new Irock. The Fox television network has already expressed an interest in obtaining rights to the image for promoting That '70s Show.

New Bureau Tracking
Weird Weather Events
By Arthur C. Heinlein
Science Correspondent

(Washington, D.C., Oct. 31, 2005) -- Call it the Bureau of Wacky Weather.

Officially, it's the National Weather Service Division of Meteorological Anomaly Studies; but getting a handle on the chaotic weather patterns which have been plaguing the world is what the division mission is all about.

"People have referred to us as the X-Files of the weather bureau," said Radi O'Sonde, who directs the division. "That's not quite accurate because we're only trying to predict future occurrences, not explain the cases in our files."

The weather service had been accumulating atypical events for several years before the decision to launch the division was made a little more than 6 months ago. The cases they have collected are bizarre indeed.

In 1998, for example, Portland, Ore., saw 90 degrees in April, and Williston, ND, experienced a crisp 26 degrees on June 4. Severe drought conditions hit areas which normally see abundant rainfall, causing much of Florida to self-ignite and Hawaii to import drinking water.

The weirdness continued in the years which followed. On Sept. 13, 1999, the temperature in El Azizia, Libya, record-holder for the hottest spot on earth, peaked at 17 degrees. The temperature in the world's deepfreeze, Antarctica, soared to a blistering 82 degrees in Vostok on July 21, 2000.

Lloro, Colombia, which averaged more than 500 inches of rainfall during 29 years of recordkeeping, saw only 2.17 inches in all of 2001. In the same year, nearly 300 inches of rain fell on Wadi Halfa, Sudan, an area which rarely sees enough precipitation to measure.

Much of the island of Luzon was devastated during a three-day blizzard which began Jan. 21, 2002, and deposited 48 inches of heavy, wet snow during what would normally have been the Philippines hot, dry season. On March 23, 2003, a severe storm actually rained cats and dogs on the flabbergasted citizens of Junction City, Kan. Scientists theorized that the event was probably the result of a tornado which destroyed much of Dodge City, including an animal shelter, three hours earlier. The real corker came April 1, 2005, when Hell froze over.

"That's when the weather service decided to create the Division of Meteorological Anomaly Studies," O'Sonde said. "With any luck, the database we are assembling will eventually allow us to predict when our weather patterns can be expected to take radical departures from the norm."

"Meanwhile, if you plan to be outdoors today," he cautioned, "better bundle up, pack a pair of gym shorts in the car and carry an umbrella. Based on our existing database, we're forecasting a full day of sunshine with a 100 percent chance of precipitation and a high in the low teens to the middle '70s. We think we have all our bases covered, but I wouldn't bet the ranch on it."

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