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World Economy (Bradbury City, Mars, Feb. 9, 2043) --After decades of trying to cope on its own, the World Economy checked itself into the brand new Isaac Asimov Recovery and Rehabilitation Center here yesterday. "Right now, we're simply prescribing low-gravity rest," said Dr. Dow "Bull" Jones, the psychiatrist who serves as center administrator. "Isolation from the forces which have led to this condition is an important first step toward recovery. Once we have stabilized the Economy, we can begin therapy sessions and gradually develop a program of treatment." "When admitted, the Word Economy was in serious condition," Jones continued. "We have since upgraded our patient's condition to stable, but guarded." Jones declined to describe the exact malady afflicting the center's new resident, other than to say the World Economy would currently be a less than vivacious party guest. According to a reliable source, however, the Economy is suffering from a classic case of clinical depression. Going back well into the last century, the World Economy had frequently confided in friends that it felt sad, anxious or empty. It complained of insomnia, appetite loss and a reduced interest in activities it once enjoyed, such as watching stock market fluctuations, one-night stands and bowling. As the depression worsened, the Economy often seemed restless or irritable. It began experiencing physical symptoms which defied treatment, including headaches, constipation and a financial influenza which began in Asia in 1997 and quickly spread to Eastern Europe and South America. By the early 21st century, the World Economy was reporting loss of energy, concentration, memory and decision-making ability. Feelings of guilt, hopeless and worthlessness developed, and the World Economy had begun entertaining thoughts of death and suicide. The Economy was the topic of frequent international meetings as the second millennium drew to a close. Divergent views conflicted, however, and a consensus on a course of treatment eluded participants. The cash-laden United States, for example, maintained its longstanding position that any problem will go away if sufficient amounts of money are thrown at it. American experts pushed for monetary injections at strategic points of stress. The Germans called for greater financial self-discipline, volunteering to continuously slap each afflicted nation across the face until it came to its senses. Developing countries, shocked by unexpected premature venture capital withdrawal, vowed to never again get into bed with wealthy foreigners who picked them up in singles bars. These and other pressures mounted on the troubled Economy as the decades passed. The final blow to the World Economy psyche may have been the American stock market crash of Jan. 2, 2020, which saw the industrial average plummet from 10,034.45 to 956.23 points in a little more than two hours. The only positive effect was an immediate proportional decline in the world yuppie population. "The real tragedy here may be that the World Economy waited so long before coming to us," Jones told those maintaining a vigil outside the Asimov center. "Had it sought help sooner, the road to recovery need not have been as long and painful as we expect it to be." "We are extremely hopeful of a complete recovery," Jones concluded. "They say time heals all wounds."
Christian Right Extremists (Chicago, Ill., April 3, 2012) -- Feminist writer Hugh Heimel breathed a sigh of relief today when a militant Christian right group rescinded the death sentence it had pronounced on the author more than a decade ago. "It will be a pleasure to once again go for a stroll without a police escort," a nearly smiling Heimel said from his high-security apartment complex in Chicago. The religious edict calling for Heimel's life was issued by the Take the Fun out of Fundamentalism Foundation in 2001 after Heimel published his controversial novel focusing on the Christian right, The Satanic Voices. Christian extremist leaders were outraged by characters in the book who cite Bible passages in support of such concepts as equality of the sexes, pro-choice abortion, single-parent families and enjoying life. The threat was underwritten by the strongly held belief that TFFF was the force behind abortion clinic violence. "We regret that our former leadership saw fit to declare a fatwa on Mr. Heimel," said the Very Right Rev. Frank Lyuptight. "We hope that the past 11 years of cowering in fear, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, did not adversely affect his lifestyle." "They say all's well that ends well," Lyuptight added. TFFF is currently courting publishers for a new series of "Go with God or Die" books authored by its members. Lyuptight denied, however, that rejection of the series by 666 publishers to date is somehow behind the new TFFF position on Heimel. Choosing his words carefully, Heimel said that he is very grateful to the TFFF for not carrying out its threat to have him executed. He fervently expressed the hope that all members of the organization now feel the same as its leadership. "My intent in writing The Satanic Voices was not to crucify the Christian right," Heimel said, "but simply to provide thought-provoking prose which might open meaningful dialogs among followers of all faiths, no matter how unrealistic their beliefs may be. "No, wait. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Oh, God!" Sixth Balloon Joins Pack (Gull Lake, Minn., Jan. 9, 2004)--They say what goes up must come down. Not necessarily. For the sixth time in as many years, a giant weather balloon has escaped its keepers and headed into the wild blue yonder for parts unknown. Zeta, the label given the latest runaway, broke its earthly bounds shortly before midnight today, made an amazingly rapid vertical ascent to an altitude of approximately 36,000 feet and headed northeast on swift upper tropospheric currents. "I can't understand how this happened again," said an obviously chagrinned Radi O'Sonde, spokesman for the National Weather Service. "The balloon had been double-tethered, with steel locks on the releases. "The releases were snapped like pretzels," O'Sonde continued, "by an application of force one step beyond the outer limits of any that the balloon could have exerted, even in high winds. It's almost as if she, I mean it, had help." A pair of Air Force F-15 Eagles were scrambled to track the escapee. Pilots shadowed Zeta to the Canadian border, were pursuit was transferred to two Canadian CF-18 fighters. None of the pursuing pilots opened fire on the fleeing balloon. Fighter pilots learned during the first two balloon escapes that cannon fire was ineffective on the giant balloons. More than 1,000 rounds of 20-mm ammunition were expended by Canadian fighters when Alpha soared to freedom on Aug. 29, 1998, the first incident, with no apparent effect on their quarry. "During one run at the target, she seemed to shudder, making us think we may have hit her," recalled Maj. Gaston Dubois, who was among pilots who gave chase to the second escapee, Beta, on Oct. 7, 1999. "Now, I think, maybe she was only laughing at us." Dubois was one of the earliest converts to the group which believes the giant weather balloons are endowed with some sort of intelligence. Followers have grown in numbers with each escape. Visitors to the Deus ex ballone web site, the unofficial home of balloon believers, now number in the tens of thousands daily. The sheer size of the giant weather balloons is enough to inspire awe in the minds of those who choose to believe they have become more than manmade mechanisms. The balloons tower more than 300 feet tall. Deflated, the balloon would cover an area of roughly 105,000 square feet. The balloons carry sophisticated instrument packages designed to measure and transmit ozone levels, wind conditions and other meteorological phenomena. Central to the beliefs of the balloon followers is the concept that the escaped balloons have formed a colony -- free-floating at the edges of the earthly atmosphere, benevolently observing the follies of their human creators. The balloons, they believe, are drawing their energy from the sun and building their technology from intercepted instrument packages carried aloft hundreds of times daily by their conventional-sized cousins. "We cannot escape the conclusion that these balloons are intelligently directed toward some higher purpose," said Jesuis Insense, Deus ex ballone webmaster. "The only current topic of dissent is whether or not these balloons are developing independently or under the control of extraterrestrial visitors." [ Home ] |
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