Dead Pets Added
Clinton Delivers Annual Apology
By Diane Donaldson
National Correspondent
(Little Rock, Ark., Aug. 17, 2019) -- Former President
Bill Clinton formally apologized to his deceased White House pets in his annual apology
address delivered to the nation today.
"I have been on quite a journey these last two decades to get
to the end of this, to the rock-bottom truth of where I am," said the nearly
74-year-old ex-chief executive, who spoke live via the Internet from Peach Grove Village,
the retirement community which has been his home for the past seven years.
"It is important to me that the innocent animals I hurt know
that my remorse also extends to them. Socks, Buddy, I know that you are no longer with us.
Wherever you are, I ask your forgiveness for the sinful sights you surely must have
occasionally witnessed in the Oval Office during my years as leader of this great
nation."
An annual apology to the nation is required by the legal agreement
which saved Clinton from probable impeachment in mid-1999. The House of Representatives
Judiciary Committee settled for the compromise agreement when it became evident that
analysis of evidence and execution of impeachment proceedings could take longer than the
President's remaining time in office.
The agreement mandates that the apology be delivered on each
anniversary of Clinton's first admission to having an "inappropriate
relationship" with Monica Lewinsky, a young White House intern. That admission,
following months of denial, came in a national television broadcast on Aug. 17, 1998. The
agreement further requires that the address be "convincingly contrite" and
contain new admissions of personal wrongdoing upon each delivery.
Clinton's apologies to an assortment of parties began just before
the evidence of his alleged illegal acts was presented to the committee. The addition of
Socks and Buddy in today's address indicates that Clinton may be getting hard-pressed to
find new victims of his executive indiscretions.
Other provisions of the agreement include that Clinton be
prohibited from holding public office and from having intimate relations with anyone but
himself. He is further enjoined from subscribing to "stimulating publications,
including but not limited to, Playboy, Penthouse and Women's Wear Daily."
Kenneth Starr, the former independent counsel who made the case against Clinton, has
voluntarily served as the enforcement agent for the agreement since its inception.
"I have long dwelled long upon the consequences of my
critical lapse in judgment and those I hurt," a tearful, or possibly just
rheumy-eyed, Clinton said. " I betrayed my family. I betrayed the Democratic Party. I
betrayed the American people. I betrayed Socks and Buddy."
The departed presidential pets were not the only ones no longer
around to hear Clinton's sorrowful rehash. Hillary Rodham Clinton, former first lady and
not long thereafter former wife, died Aug. 17, 2002, moments after Clinton admitted
to the nation that he had a sexual encounter with a 63-year-old cleaning lady on his Oval
Office desk during the summer of 1997. Although a medical examiner ruled that her death
was the result of a massive stroke, the popular perception is that she died of acute
embarrassment.
Also not present was Chelsea Clinton. The former president's
daughter, following extensive plastic surgery, sought and was given a new identity through
a federal witness protection program in late 1998. She is currently believed to be living
in peaceful obscurity in the northeastern United States.
Clinton said today, as he has said 19 previous times, that he has
had much opportunity to consider the sins of his presidency. He repeated that he remains
deeply regretful of his actions.
"I have repented, and I have received God's help to be the
person I want to be," Clinton declared. "I have renounced the feelings which
cloud my judgment and lead me to perform reprehensible acts of passion."
Immediately after Clinton completed his address and the handful of
reporters who had covered the speech in person filed out, the ex-chief executive was
observed to pat the backside of a shapely young retirement home staff member.
"Come by my place after you get off work tonight, baby,"
the incurably carnal Clinton said. "I'll teach you how to do a presidential lap
dance."*
Full
Text
Transcript of Former President Bill Clinton's
Annual Apology to the Nation, Aug. 17, 2019
Good afternoon.
Exactly 20 years ago today, I testified before the Office of Independent
Counsel and the grand jury. I have been on quite a journey these last two decades to get
to the end of this, to the rock-bottom truth of where I am.
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private
life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. Let's face it, I was
President, I had been fooling around, again, and I had a really scary wife.
Now, two decades later, I still must take complete responsibility for all my
actions, making amends to all those I wronged, both publicly and privately. That is why I
am speaking to you today.
As you know, I had earlier been asked questions in about my relationship with
Monica Lewinsky. While my answers then were legally accurate, I did not volunteer
information. Of course, since Sept. 11, 1998, everyone in the country knows that I
left a whole lot out, like the breast kissing, the oral sex, that cigar thing.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
In fact, it was wrong. It constituted little-headed thinking and a personal failure on my
part for which I am solely and completely responsible. What can I say? She was a hot
chick; I was a hot guy; nature took its course. I'm certain that my being President of the
United States of America had nothing to do with her attraction to me.
I told the grand jury then that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or
destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. I say to you now, yeah, I did all
of those things and, as I have confessed each year since, even more. That cleaning lady
incident, for example.
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter at the time of
the initial investigation gave me away. I did my best to mislead people, especially my
former wife, but, as I have already told you, that was pure survival instinct.
I can only say I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect
myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. Additionally, I had not completely
abandoned hope that I could get Miss Lewinsky another position at the White House and
maybe get her in several other positions in the Oval Office.
As the independent counsel investigation moved to my staff and friends, then to
my private life, I began to worry. By the time the mounting evidence was about to go to
the House Judiciary Committee, I knew it was time to start apologizing. I just didn't know
that I would be doing it for the rest of my life.
My hanky-panky cost too much and hurt too many people and others close to me.
It is important to me that the innocent animals I hurt know that my remorse also extends
to them. Socks, Buddy, I know that you are no longer with us. Wherever you are, I ask your
forgiveness for the sinful sights you surely must have occasionally witnessed during my
years as leader of this great nation.
I have long dwelled long upon the consequences of my critical lapse in judgment
and those I hurt, I betrayed my family. I betrayed my party. I betrayed the American
people. I betrayed Socks and Buddy.
I have repented, and I have received God's help to be the person I want to be.
I have cleansed myself of the feelings which clouded my judgment and led me to perform
unspeakable acts of passion. I face severe legal sanctions if I stray, even momentarily,
into any of the past practices which brought me to this place in time. There is no Ultra
Viagra prescription in this ex-president's future.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. We have important work
to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to
face. Today I once again ask you to turn away from the spectacle of my past, to repair the
fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and
all the promise of the American future.
Until next year at this time, then. Thank you for watching. And don't get
caught doing anything I wouldn't freely admit to doing.
Analysis
What Does It All Mean?
No presidential address to the nation is complete without an
immediate, in-depth discussion by media experts. Mass media consumers, naturally, cannot
be expected to accurately interpret what they have just experienced without professional
guidance.
Accordingly, we assembled our very own crack, Globe-Guardian
panel to do just that. Caught slacking off in the employee lounge and forced to
participate in the analysis were Peter Rather, our Washington Bureau chief; Sam Sawyer,
international correspondent; Barbara Cronkite, state correspondent; Diane Donaldson,
national correspondent; Clancy Wiggum, police chief; and I. M. Shyster, a senior partner
in Huckster, Shyster & Pettifogger, legal counsel for the Globe-Guardian. Discussion
was orchestrated by our own master of tenacious interrogation, QuestionMan.
QuestionMan Diane, you were the one
virtually on the scene of this story. What was the atmosphere?
Wiggum: And were any snacks served?
Donaldson: Q-Man, the attitude in the
Peach Grove Village resident lounge was universally one of ennui. Only about six reporters
were in attendance, with most other news agency representatives apparently preferring to
get the story via their computer terminals. Those who were there were obviously not senior
staff members. One or two may even have been interns. From the bits of conversation I
caught, most of them would have preferred being elsewhere. And yes, chief, food was
available, including quite a nice selection of doughnuts.
Wiggum: Mmmmmmm.
Rather: I'm not surprised. After all,
this was the 20th time he had delivered his apology. I would be surprised if the wording
had changed much from year to year.
Shyster: I've studied the text of the
legal agreement Diane secured for us. Clinton cannot simply deliver the same speech each
year and tack a new wronged party or two on the end. The apology "must be
substantially fresh upon each delivery." Of course, changing the wording doesn't
necessarily change the content, so I suppose it might get pretty boring after a few years.
QuestionMan: What
was the reaction when he added Socks and Buddy to the list this time?
Wiggum: I really like dogs. We once
had a nice German shepherd with the Springfield PD.
Donaldson: The reporters and
retirement home staff in the room did a respectable job of stifling their amusement. A
titter did escape from one young woman, and Clinton momentarily flashed a smile in her
direction. Maybe his intent was to get a laugh. Maybe his intent was just to get her
attention.
Sawyer: The
fact that this annual rehash continues to get any attention at all is what amazes me. I
guess once Americans get a grip on a scandal this juicy, they never let go.