Tobacco Prohibition is
History
By Diane Donaldson
National Correspondent
(Havana, Cuba, Jan. 2, 2033) -- For the second time in American
history, a nationwide effort to curb human vice has ended in an about-face.
The 28th amendment to the U.S. Constitution, prohibiting
manufacturing, distribution and possession of all forms of tobacco within the territorial
limits of the United States, is gone. It died today, when Cuba ceremonially became the
43rd of the 57 states to ratify Amendment XXXI, which repealed Amendment XXVIII and all
subsequently enacted enforcement laws.
"This is a great day for the future of American personal
freedom," said U.S. Sen. Newt Bullshot (R-Idaho), immediately following the Cuban
ratification.
"And it won't exactly hurt my future with the tobacco people,
either," Bullshot chuckled to himself as he walked away from the press conference
podium.
Although given seven years to gain the constitutionally-mandated
75 percent state legislature approval, the abolishment proposal sailed through the needed
number of state upper and lower houses in a record seven months. In 2019, the tobacco
prohibition amendment, by comparison, achieved an eleventh-hour 77 percent state approval
rate after a full seven-year battle with tobacco interests and their Republican
sycophants.
The defeat of an anti-tobacco measure in Congress back in June of
1998 united anti-smoking forces in an intense campaign for complete prohibition. The
effort was initially spearheaded by such well-behaved organizations as the American Cancer
Society, Effective National Action to Control Tobacco (ENACT), National Action Network
Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids, and the slightly more militant but less focused Get Those
Gosh-Darned Smokers the Heck Out of My America Coalition.
These groups were soon joined by even more extremist factions,
including the notorious Smite a Smoker for Christ Crusade (formerly the Kill a Commie for
Christ Crusade). Peaceful demonstrations gave way to a series of dead-of-the-night tobacco
field torchings and drive-by hosings of public cigarette smokers. GOP legislators
finally defected from their tobacco benefactors, and Congress reluctantly took action.
The 14 years which ensued were economic and law enforcement
fiascos. The federal government immediately forfeited tobacco sales "user
taxes," which not long thereafter resulted in the income tax hike predicted by
opponents. Southern states, hardest hit on the employment and tax revenue fronts by the
tobacco industry loss, turned to federal aid, permanently.
Tobacco "pushers" displaced marijuana vendors on the
urban street corners, alleys and middle school playgrounds of America. Clandestine,
"mom-and-pop" tobacco farms bloomed faster than agents from the U.S. Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms could find and destroy them. Organized crime enjoyed its
biggest boom since the federal prohibition of alcohol, which ironically occurred exactly
100 years earlier.
Former tobacco growers raised sunflowers, alfalfa and buckwheat
while collecting fat federal subsidies for not growing corn. American tobacco firms were
hurt the least. They simply moved their farming, manufacturing and marketing
operations overseas, settled back with fine cigars, and waited.
Big tobacco patience paid off ten years ago, when a national study
linked tobacco sales to the salvation of the Social Security System. The analysis showed
that smokers were statistically far more likely to contract not only the fatal diseases
directly associated with tobacco use, but the additional life-shortening ailments commonly
derived from alcoholism, drug abuse and country line-dancing.
Healthcare costs for treating smokers were dwarfed by the
projected costs of those denied tobacco who survived to collect Social Security
benefits. Flag-waving Republican representatives and senators immediately jumped on the
"Save Social Security" bandwagon. With a provision eliminating Social Security
survivor benefits tacked onto the repeal bill, the deal was sealed.
"We're back, baby, and we're ssssssmokin'!," declared a
jubilant Barry McCain, spokesman for the Bring Tobacco Back to America Organization,
headquartered in Sao Paulo, Brazil. McCain hails from the same family as John McCain, who
was instrumental in defeating the 1998 anti-tobacco bill while serving as a U.S. Senator
from Arizona.
'Skillies' Shipment
Intercepted
By Sam Sawyer
International Correspondent
(San Diego, July 13, 2005) -- Yet another inbound ship carrying a cargo of
"Skillies" was stopped by the U.S.Coast Guard early
today inside American territorial waters.
The Skillies, the popular name given to skilled workers seeking illegal
employment in the United States, were discovered "packed to the bulkheads" in a
cargo hold which had been labeled "replacement parts" on the ship's manifest.
U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service officials working jointly with the Coast Guard
in the operation became suspicious when they examined the manifest, ship's log and other
documents.
"Everything was spelled correctly, and the grammar was impeccable,"
explained Lt.Comdr. L.J. Silver, commanding officer of the USCGC Interference, which
made the stop. "No way could that have been the work of the crew, a 'braintrust' of
mostly recent American high school graduates."
The skipper of the intercepted steamer, the Entrepreneur, had apparently put
the Skillies to work on his records during the passage from Southeast Asia. Most of the
Skillies aboard were determined to be of Laotian and Vietnamese nationalities. All of the
illegal would-be immigrants were well-versed in both written and spoken English when
interviewed prior to deportation, according to an INS official.
Authorities suspect that this latest smuggling attempt is the work of a
consortium of American manufacturing firms which need to fill expanding vacancies in their
skilled labor forces. Larger companies have been schooling prospective employees in basic
reading, writing and math skills since the late 1900s. The practice is expensive, however,
and the gap between the labor force required and employees qualified has steadily widened.
Authorities believe that smaller industries, lacking the resources for employee remedial
education, have spearheaded Skillie smuggling activities.
In a related story, France has again turned away a boatload of unemployed
Americans seeking work abroad. French gunboat captains confronted the ship, the
Incompetence, as it approached the seaport of Le Havre, ordering it to put back to sea or
be sunk.
The boat was carrying an estimated 150 U.S. citizens trained as cosmetologists
and real estate agents. Rigidly adhering to the one-way emigration provisions contained by
the Occupationally Impaired Americans Surplus Act of 1999, the INS will not allow
Incompetence passengers to return to America.
Meanwhile, Mexico has again reinforced patrol operations along its U.S. border,
warning that any Americans caught illegally crossing into its territory face execution by
firing squad.
"We simply have no place for such as these in our society," explained
Juan Valdez, who recently swept the Mexican presidential election running on a
"Mexico por Mexicanos" platform.
New Round
of Sales Incentives
Initiated by U.S. Carmakers
By Walter Walters
Interstate Correspondent
(Detroit, Aug. 1, 2003) -- The "Big Three" American car
manufacturers upped their antes this week in their decades-old efforts to woo buyers back
to dealer showrooms.
"Rebates and financing breaks just haven't done the job," conceded
newly-ascended Chrysler Corp. chief of operations and president, Helmut Benz, on Monday.
" We're taking our buying incentives up a notch or two."
For Chrysler, that means an extension of its longtime "owner bonus"
program to include future owners of its vehicles. Car buyers who enroll in the program
will receive a brand-new Chrysler product of their choice at substantially below the
company's actual manufacturing costs. Those who elect to participate in the program must
commit to buying one more Chrysler automobile at full cost in the next 10 years.
"At the start of each model year, we will send program enrollees a card
offering a new vehicle selected by our program director," Benz said. "If
they do not want the vehicle of the year, they need only return the enclosed card with the
'decline delivery box' checked before the expiration date. It they want the car, they need
do nothing. It will be brought to them automatically."
Seeking to keep its dealership network afloat despite lagging car sales, GM it
taking the service route to future customers. Upon an initial visit to any GM dealer for
automotive service, each participant will be issued an electronic "punchcard."
Thereafter, amounts charged for any work performed by the dealership service department
will be accumulated on the punchcard until the total reaches $20,000.
Completed punchcards may be applied toward purchase of any new GM vehicle. The
program is open to owners of any make of vehicle, domestic or import.
"Considering the profit margin of our dealership service
departments," observed Jimmy Buckstaker, GM marketing chief, "punchcard totals
should add up pretty quickly."
"Twenty grand will about cover a down payment by then," he added,
winking at his secretary.
Buckstaker said that the punchcard program is similar to the credits toward
vehicle purchases offered by GM charge cards in a previous incentive program. The program
broadens the scope, he added, because participation does not consider consumer credit
history.
"We're targeting the poor as well as the rich," Buckstaker said.
"Everybody needs car repairs."
Running a distant third in automotive sales since its ill-fated attempt to
bring back the Pinto as a Millennium Edition in 2000, a desperate Ford Motors Corp.
announced its most radical incentive program to date. Everyone who buys a Ford through
Dec. 31, will receive a 100 percent rebate.
The rebate will be returned at the rate of 10 percent per year for the
following decade, but only for as long as owners retain their Fords. Only two purchases
are allowed per customer within the time frame of the offer.
"I know this sounds crazy," confessed Edsel Ford IX, Ford CEO,
"but we need customers in the worst way. We plan to invest the expected influx of
cash to partially recoup our losses in the next 10 years, possibly in the Asian
market."
None of the new programs apply to sport utility vehicle purchases, which
collectively account for 75 percent of current Big Three sales.
Meanwhile, sales of automobiles stealthily bearing Japanese nameplates but
manufactured in American plants continued to plummet, although sales of vehicles actually
made overseas remained strong. Most owners cited quality factors in a survey of their
buying decisions.
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