Volume XI
Issue 8
August 2008

Copyright © 1998-2008
The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316

Surprise Link Added
to Clinton 'Love Chain'
By Peter Rather
Washington Bureau Chief

(Washington, D.C.) -- Just as the investigative focus seemed to be narrowing to Monica Lewinsky in the scandal-ridden presidency of William Jefferson Clinton, shocking new allegations of yet another liaison surfaced this week.

According to a source in the Clinton administration, the President has maintained an ongoing affair with a woman living in the White House. She has been identified as Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"We had tips early in our investigation the President may have had or be having an intimate relationship with the First Lady," admitted Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr, "but it seemed so unlikely, that we concentrated our efforts in more promising areas."

Now that a credible source has come forward with new information, Starr said his office is reevaluating the situation. He has asked the Supreme Court for a ruling on his request to have a DNA test performed on Chelsea Clinton.

"If we are allowed to proceed and the test proves positive," Starr said, "we will finally have hard evidence of President Clinton's sexual behavior."

Starr discounted the fact that the President and and First Lady are a legally married couple.

"The issue here is the American public's God-given right to know what their President does in the bedroom," Starr said. "His bedroom partner is immaterial."

A spokesman for Mrs. Clinton refused comment on the new allegations. According to an exclusive Globe-Guardian source, however, the First Lady on Monday paid a visit to the Washington law firm of Stein, Mitchell & Mezines. Jacob Stein, a senior partner in the firm, is half of the new legal team hired by Lewinsky this week.

Meanwhile, a leading French newspaper has published a story containing allegations that President Clinton, under the influence of alcohol and possibly confused by traditional flowing Arabic garb, may have propositioned a young Saddam Hussein during a fact-finding mission to the Middle East in 1980, while serving as Arkansas governor. Starr dismissed the French report, observing that "some allegations are too ludicrous even for me to follow."

New Nation Joins 'Nuke Club'
By Dan Jennings
Asian Bureau Chief

(Infidelistan) -- You're nothing these days if you're not a nuclear power.

The latest to join the increasingly less exclusive international club is Infidelistan, a tiny country wedged in a mountainous nook near the historically disputed Kashmir region of India. Don't look for Infidelistan on your world map. The nation didn't exist until it announced its nuclear strike capability this week.

"Actually, we acquired the bomb, then decided that we must become a nation to be effectively heard by the world," explained Graham Roberts, prime minister.

"As a nation of Charismatic Christians surrounded by testy Hindu and Islamic neighbors, we felt we needed to protect our interests in the event of hostilities. By the way, we wish to officially declare our independence through this interview, if that's OK with the Globe-Guardian."

How does a "nation" covering roughly two city blocks inhabited by approximately 45 citizens acquire a thermonuclear device? In this age of surplus weapons proliferation and international capitalist enterprise, it's not all that tough.

"We pooled our money, then ordered it through the Internet," Roberts said. "For others who might be interested, you can find a nice selection of weapons and affordable prices at Atomicmall.com. For an extra $7, we got overnight delivery."

"We couldn't scrape up enough money to buy a ballistic delivery system," Roberts added, "but considering the proximity of our enemies, we think a good running start and a respectable toss will do the job.

"We issue a stern warning to India and Pakistan not to test our resolve. Praise the Lord."

Roberts said that Infidelistan plans to observe the international ban on nuclear testing, although one somewhat short-sighted Infidelistani had volunteered the use of  his root cellar for an underground test. Ratifying the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty was not a problem for Infidelistan, Roberts said.

"We just have the one bomb," he pointed out, "so a test would sort of put us out of nuclear contention. We're pretty sure it will work. If it doesn't, it came with a 90-day warranty."

Roberts said that Infidelistan would much prefer not to use its new atomic weapon. He invited U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright to stop in Infidelistan for coffee, doughnuts and a chat on her way back from nuclear arms talks in Geneva.

The history of Infidelistan can be traced to June of 1996, when a bus packed with born-again Christians in search of a new mission site broke down. After weighing their options, the group decided to stay.

"Most of us had maxed out our credit cards, so with alternative transportation out of our financial reach, we figured this was probably a message from the Almighty," Roberts related.

Noting that India and Pakistan have named their ballistic missiles "Prithvi" and "Ghauri," after ancient Hindu and Islamic war leaders, Roberts said that Infidelistan has named its bomb "Babu," after the former restaurateur who was driving the bus at the time it left them stranded in their then future country.

Teachers May Get Classroom 'Teeth'
By Peter Rather
Washington Bureau Chief

(Washington, D.C.) -- Educators may enter classrooms across the nation armed with more than knowledge under federal legislation introduced today in the House.

The bill proposes that all certified classroom teachers undergo military training in hand-to-hand combat and small arms proficiency. Six weeks at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San Diego, would be added to the graduation requirements for college and university students seeking degrees in education. Teachers already in classrooms who plan to stay in the profession could expect to spend a summer learning combat basics at the base.

Upon completion of the approved course of instruction, educators would be required to carry sidearms whenever on school property. They would be authorized to open fire in any situation they perceived as a threat to themselves or others.

"We need to equip teachers for survival in today's schools," noted U.S. Rep.Wesson "Six-gun" Smith (R-Mont.), the bill's sponsor. "Too many educators and students are being gunned down across the nation by pint-sized psychos. Teachers must be ready and able to return fire."

"Extremity in the pursuit of classroom order is no vice," added the late U.S. Sen. Barry Goldwater, who rose from the dead just long enough to lend his support to the measure.

The bill is backed by both the National Rifle Association and the National Education Association. Both organizations have lobbied heavily for such legislation since a continuing series of school shooting incidents have effectively rendered American schools "free fire zones."

"The NRA backs this bill full bore," said Wyatt "Boom-Boom" Winchester, NRA spokesman. "Our organization would welcome teachers as a whole new breed of member who can not only handle a gun but actually think while pulling the trigger."

Speaking for the NEA, Wynona "Win-Win" Washington stated,"We educators have long felt that we are not getting the respect we deserve as professionals. Maybe that will change if we show that we are willing to use deadly force to get it."

The bill is expected to enjoy widespread bipartisan support on Capitol Hill, where many of the legislators are already rumored to be "packing heat."

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