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Manhattan Gang By Diane Donaldson (New York, New York. July 16, 2009) -- Vowing to make Manhattan safe again for "decent working folk," Mayor W. J. Clinton today declared war on the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang. "We need to stop these vicious former white collar workers and stop them right now," Clinton said. "We need to send a clear message that these gang shenanigans and hooliganisms cannot and will not be tolerated in our fair city any longer." The Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang has been victimizing tourists and other gainfully employed lower Manhattan visitors since November of 2001. At the hardcore center of the gang, law enforcement officials believe, are former employees of brokerage firms, who fired thousands as the U.S. stock market continued its downward plunge. "These people just wouldn't go gracefully into the ranks of the homeless, as had so many had before them, " noted Lt. Leslie Drebin, chairman of the Mayor's Special Blue Ribbon Ad Hoc Commission to End the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang Reign of Terror, "like the aerospace workers and dot-com staffers." When their unemployment checks ran out, former brokers and investment counselors began filtering back to the Wall Street towers from which they formerly plied their trades. These vacant and badly deteriorating edifices to bygone bull markets served as a natural headquarters for increasingly organized criminal operations, and the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang was born. The area has proven stubbornly resistant to all city efforts to isolate and empty the buildings of their gang elements. "They know their turf all too well," Drebin said. "As fast as we secure floors and entire high-rises, they move to another, always managing to stay just one step ahead of us. Frankly, we just don't have the manpower to permanently seal off every entryway, both above and below ground. The area is honeycombed with old tunnels, dating all the way back to the Dutch settlements." To their credit, the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang has not ventured into the realm of violence. Much as they had done during their legitimate working years, gang members have specialized in fraud. Working singly or in pairs, gang members typically approach their victims on the street with some type of money-making offer. Once the "mark" has handed over his or her money, the gang members quickly melt into the background. "If someone comes up to you and you hear the word 'investment,' run, don't walk, to the nearest phone and dial 9-1-1," Drebin advised. Clinton promised to "double the resources" currently dedicated to eradicating the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Gang," but offered no further details as to how the city plans to wage its new "war." The city fathers had just last year proposed razing the buildings as a last-ditch effort to put an end to the gang. Their plan was quickly vetoed by the powerful banks and other financial institutions holding the deeds to the properties. "They want to keep the buildings mothballed," Drebin said with a laugh. "They want them there and intact because they still believe that the stock market will rise again." |
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