|
Copyright
© 1998-2008 |
Still No Hacker
Attacks (Burlington, Wis., April 1, 2002) -- Another ho-hum hackerless week has come and gone at the corporate headquarters of the Globe-Guardian. That sad news was relayed to the media in a press conference held here late this morning by Rudy Tutetoot, professional spokesman. The Globe-Guardian has held weekly press conferences to keep the world up to date on the site's hacker status for more than a year now. "Naturally, we remain bitterly disappointed as well as more than a little miffed about our continued failure to attract a talented hacker," Tutetoot said. "So many high-profile sites have been hit since the attacks began two years ago, yet no one has seen fit to visit us. We feel that we lack status on the web." The Globe-Guardian fabled "staff of hundreds" has maintained a constant vigil, watching for a sign, any sign, that a sudden avalanche of "junk data" would signal a hacker attack and quickly bring the site to its cyberknees. Hopes were momentarily raised early this month, when the site received three identical e-mail messages offering deep discounts on dream vacations in Iraq. Optimism was quickly dashed when the flow stopped at three. "We've tried every conceivable ploy to entice a hacker to our site," Tutetoot reported. "We've replied to every piece of spam we've received. We've accepted cookies from complete strangers. We've recklessly brandished our charge cards at every web site we've visited. What's it going to take?" Tutetoot admitted that the Globe-Guardian's current average of 5 unique visitors and 15 page views per day might not provide an exceptionally tantalizing target for a truly gifted hacker. Such an attack, he pointed out, could hold enormous benefits which hackers may not have considered. "Think about what you would be telling the world," Tutetoot said. "No site, no matter how small and insignificant, is safe from a hacker attack. It's a win-win situation. You send your message of terror; we get some great publicity and a big boost to our traffic. Come see us. We're defenseless." Bush Runs out of Excuses (Philadelphia, Pa., July 31, 2000) -- The presidential campaign trail of excuses finally ended here today for Texas Gov. George W. Bush. "My alarm clock didn't go off on time," Bush said after delegates to the Republican National Convention officially anointed Arizona Sen. John McCain as their Nov. 7 presidential candidate. "If I could have gotten here only 10 minutes earlier, this would not have happened." Bush had steadfastly maintained that he was the man the GOP would nominate to the ballot Monday, despite losing the majority of Republican convention delegates in the long series of state caucuses and primaries that stretched from January in Iowa to June 6 in Montana. The losses began Feb. 1 in New Hampshire. The excuses began Feb. 22, when Bush blamed his Michigan primary defeat on cross-voting Democrats trying to "hijack the primary to help Al Gore." As the 2000 presidential preference primary process plodded along, Bush camp losses mounted. With each primary failure, the governor's explanations grew increasingly less plausible. California, March 7 -- "Earthquake fears kept a lot of my supporters home and away from the polls." Minnesota, March 7 -- "I guess my professional wrestling credentials weren't in order." New York, March 7 -- "Too many people were focused on the Clinton Senate campaign." Rhode Island, March 7 -- "I forgot." Florida, March 14 -- "Alligators! Alligators everywhere!" Wisconsin, April 4 -- "Those folks obviously just didn't know about my war service record and who my daddy is." Oregon, May 16 -- "I am a victim, a victim, I say, of a vast, left-wing liberal conspiracy to deprive me of my rightful presidential heritage." New Mexico, June 6 -- "The entire Republican population, except for McCain co-conspirators, was abducted by UFOs on May 15 and not returned until just after the polls closed. Don't ask me how I know this. Trust me. I just know." Security officers removed Bush from the convention floor after he attempted to get to the stage during McCain's acceptance speech. "No! No! This is all wrong!" Bush shouted as he was escorted toward the door. "I am the President! I have always been the President!" A member of the Bush camp later said that the candidate has regained his composure and will "get on with his life." He plans to use leftover campaign funds to buy a small island in the South Pacific and become its king. His coronation there, the spokesman said, will be timed to coincide with the inauguration of the new President in January.
Wealthy Vow
to Stay Alive (New York, N.Y., April 1, 2006) -- "Hell no. We won't go." So say America's rapidly expanding ranks of millionaires. If death means forking over billions of dollars of personal family wealth to Uncle Sam, they simply won't be taking that big dirt nap, thank you very much. "Benjamin Franklin once said something to the effect that death and taxes are the only things we can be certain of," observed Nouveau Riche, president of the Wealthy Young Americans Planning to Cheat Death Association. "We plan to prove him wrong." With a more than $39 billion in inheritance taxes expected to be collected this year, the wealthy are strongly motivated to remain among the quick. They are pouring millions into human longevity research -- oxidative stress, telomerase, nanobotic medics, the Richard Simmons Diet Plan -- anything which promises to slow or end the aging process. Wealthy Americans have been fighting the "death tax" for nearly 90 years without success. The battle has gained intensity in the last decade, as economic good times have propelled unprecedented numbers into big-bite estate tax brackets. All estates valued at $1 million or more, which are now estimated at a 75,000 nationwide, are taxable. The government share of the post-mortem pie ranges from 5 to 35 percent. "This is patently unfair," cried Riche, who owns Lettuce Disturb You, a telemarketing firm largely employed by banking institutions. "We've worked very hard for our money. We've invested our employees' 401K plan funds shrewdly, cut their other benefits to the bone and made untold little sacrifices in equipment and creature comforts in our businesses to fatten our bottom lines. We deserve to pass the fruits of our labors on to our children." Despite heavy donations to longevity research efforts, today's rich are unlikely to achieve immortality. Current research forecasts that the first virtual immortals won't arrive until 2020, when natural life expectancies for newborns are projected at 500 to 1,000 years, barring fatal accidents or acts of self-destruction. That does not include the controversial potential held by the areas of cloning and The Human Genome Project, which completed mapping the biochemical properties of DNA late last year. For now, America's "haves" are stepping up their lobbying efforts. In addition to continuing their quest for repeal of the death tax, they are pressuring federal lawmakers for legal recognition of cryogenics, in which humans (or their heads, in the economy version of the process) are frozen immediately upon expiration in the hope that medical advances will be able to revive them in the future. They want a suspension of the estate taxes due until the outcome of the cryogenic procedure is determined. "Our position is that it ain't over until the fat lady thaws," Riche said, "and it still won't be over if she sings." |
|
|