|
Copyright
© 1998-2008 |
Tug-of-War Develops (Vienna, Va., Sept. 19, 2007) -- America On Line says he's theirs, and it plans to keep him. Manny's Internet Service says he's not, and it wants him back. Unaware that he has become ensnared in this world wide web of controversy, all six-year-old Allen Gilligan wants to do is play with his new puppy. The dispute began a week ago when Gilligan, a resident of Burlington, Ky., went looking for a little innocent fun on the internet. At the start of the session, he was a Manny's customer. At the end, he had somehow been added to the teeming millions who use AOL. "Allen agreed to our terms of service," said Rudy Tutetoot, professional spokesperson for AOL. "We clearly state that anyone who clicks on the 'accept' button must remain an AOL subscriber for life." Manny's has countered that the terms of service agreement is not legally binding on a boy of Gilligan's age. AOL maintains that its terms are governed by the laws of the State of Virginia, wholly owned by AOL since 2005, which allow web surfers of all ages to legally contract for AOL services. "The boy was led astray by one of those AOL CDs everyone gets in the mail once a week," claimed Sissy Boombah, professional spokesperson for Manny's. "The disc jacket stated that free game software was included, and that's the only reason Allen put the CD in his computer." "After I put it in," Gilligan said, "things just started happening." The boy reported that the disc automatically activated his Manny's dialup connection and took him on his fateful trip to the AOL site. Still looking for the promised free game software, he clicked on an option to take a tour of AOL offerings. "It was supposed to be just a three-minute tour," Boombah emphasized, "a three-minute tour." Gilligan told reporters that "the surfing started getting rough, and I got pretty lost, I didn't know what was going on or what it all would cost." He found himself on the AOL terms of agreement page, his browser "back" button deactivated, unable to close the window and regain control of his computer. The only active option available, he said, was the "accept" button on the bottom of the page. As soon as he clicked, the AOL disc executed a program which deleted his existing browser and dialup connection files, then installed AOL Version 15.0. An e-mailed invoice billing Gilligan $123.99 for his first month of AOL service arrived moments later. "Clearly, Allen is just a helpless minnow caught in the insidious trawling nets of AOL," Boombah declared. AOL has assembled a team of attorneys for the exclusive purpose of defending its right to keep Gilligan. In another legal maneuver, Virginia's AOL-controlled state legislature, called into special session last night, unanimously approved a resolution declaring Gilligan a Virginia resident. "Believe me, Gilligan is far better off with us," Tutetoot said. "Manny's has no DSL, no cable modems, not a single luxury. An old ISP dinosaur, it's primitive as can be." Gilligan's father, Skipper, disagrees. Since the incident, he said he has only been able to complete his connection to the internet in five of 100 attempts. On four of those occasions, he was disconnected after 5 minutes. He succeeded in reaching a live AOL customer service representative after numerous busy signal calls and was told he should try reinstalling the AOL software. If he still had problems, he was informed, he should consider replacing his computer system with something newer from the AOL Gateway line. "The system is only six months old," the elder Gilligan protested. The controversy cuts deeper than service and recruitment issues. Gilligan's parents and other immediate family members remain with Manny's. They fear Allen's involvement with AOL may isolate the boy. Other relatives, including two aunts and a cousin who defected to AOL several years ago, want the boy to remain with them. "He's in good company," observed Gilligan's aunt Mary Ann. "We've got millionaires, movie stars, professors and me." Longtime AOL foes, who have issued shrill warnings every time the AOL entertainment conglomerate has made new corporate acquisitions in the last decade, have seized upon the issue. Spearheaded by participants of the Usenet group "alt.aol-sucks," opponents hope the situation will serve as a warning to others who might be considering AOL as their ISP. "Come join us here, this week, my friends, help right this wrongful foul," implored Boombah. "We've got to put a stop to this, this thing called AOL." Candidates Promise (Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004) -- Read their lips: "big new tax increases." Trying to improve on the lackluster presidential election of 2000, today's candidates are making one promise they are confident they can keep. "The response was a little underwhelming when I proposed a major tax cut last election," recalled George W. Bush, who is taking a second run at the nation's highest office following his narrow defeat by President Al Gore four years ago. Political pundits then offered various reasons for apparent tax cut apathy, including a booming economy and greater interest in other issues. Most likely, they opined, was a lack of credibility on the part of candidates, whose election promises have often borne scant resemblance to their actions once in office. Both Democratic and GOP platforms this year are attempting to capitalize on American concerns in other areas by promising tax increases for specific purposes. The concept of gaining greater control over how their tax dollars are spent has generated a mixture of skepticism and enthusiasm. "I expect my federal income taxes to go up every year," said Thomas Doubting, Burlington, Colo. "I wouldn't mind paying it so much, if I could tell those pork barrel politicians in Washington where to stick it, the money, that is. Somehow, though, I don't see that as something that will really happen." The parties differ on how much leeway taxpayers should be given in directing federal spending. The Democrats say that Congress should be guided by national polls on current issues. The Republicans have proposed a new federal tax form which will allow citizens to designate areas in which specific percentages of half of their annual tax payments will be spent. These are expected to include public education, health care and social security. The Independent Party, attempting to jump on the same band wagon, has proposed that Americans be allowed to earmark the money for their favorite professional wrestling organizations. Democrats say that a tax form directed system would be chaotic, pointing to a test study done with a scientifically selected group of taxpayers this spring. Presented with a form that offered 25 choices, 37 percent of the study participants designated that 100 percent of the directed tax dollars go to an "other" write-in option. Among choices scrawled in this section were weather control, NFL officials investigation and "retired" Beanie Babies market value research. Republicans have responded that the "other" option would be eliminated on the actual form used. "I think this would be the greatest thing to happen to America since Old Navy commercials," declared Pollyanna Glad, Burlington, Conn. "I would definitely vote for a candidate who gave me a say in where at least some of my taxes will go, no matter how high they are." Suspected Weather
Terrorist (Wampum, Manitoba, April 19, 2000) -- Yet another weather terrorist suspect was arrested here today as he attempted to cross the border from Canada to the United States. Authorities were not releasing the suspect's name, but they said that it was "Arabic-sounding and highly suspicious." The arrest came after dogs specially trained to sniff out ice and snow went wild at the approach of the suspect's rented minivan. No actual ice or snow were found when the van was searched, but an FBI spokesman said agents discovered "some very cold water," which could, with only slight temperature modifications, be used to manufacture the deadly weather substances. The water was confiscated. "It was close, but we got to the suspect before he could drink the evidence," the spokesman added. Federal computer records have linked the suspect to Osama bin Laden, regarded by Washington as the "Great Satan of the Middle East." Bin Laden, who has allegedly vowed to "bury America in bad weather," is believed responsible for the freak snowstorms that crippled the U.S. South in late January, threatening America's most cherished event of the year, Super Bowl XXXIV, in Atlanta, Ga. An American tourist from Burlington, N.D., told authorities that she had overhead parts of the suspect's conversation with another Arabic-appearing man while she was enjoying a complimentary continental breakfast in a Winnipeg hotel lobby. The woman said she heard the suspect mention bin Laden's name. She alerted local law enforcement officers after hearing the suspect ask the desk clerk for directions to the nearest hotel ice machine. "Americans throughout the nation and abroad should be constantly vigilant in the battle against these weather terrorists," the FBI spokesman urged. "You wouldn't want your vegetable garden to be covered by a foot of snow in June, would you?" |
|
|