Rumors of British Poverty
Question: Is it true that poverty does not exist in Britain, only in developing
countries?
AnswerMan: A poor question, indeed. Poverty cannot possibly exist in a nation
prefixed by the word "Great." Any persons suspected of being impoverished are
promptly rounded up in the dead of night and smuggled into one of the developing former
British colonies, usually Australia, Canada or the United States.
Stellar Performance
Q: Does Kenneth Starr's departure from the U.S. Independent Counsel's office
mean that he has successfully completed his work? Should we be giving this man a national
commendation for a job well done?
A: Quite possibly impeachable questions. Considering that Kenny's five years in
the position included a $47 million expenditure of American taxpayer funds in his
fruitless, albeit titillating, pursuit of President Clinton's extramarital dalliances, I
estimate his average cost per successfully prosecuted case at approximately $15 million.
At this rate, I would certainly hope that his work is done. Most attorneys will work for
less.
Killer Hunting
Q: Is the JonBenet Ramsey case finally over?
A: An eternal question. "Mistakes were made," and the miniature
beauty queen's parents haven't been eliminated as suspects in 13 months of grand jury
investigation. Colorado authorities have claimed, despite the jury's inconclusive
findings, that they will continue the search for the celebrated 6-year-old's killer. With
any luck, they will be joined by O. J. Simpson, who made a similar vow to find the slayers
of his ex-wife and her alleged lover.
Hungarian Hunger
Q: I've heard that people from New Mexico are the most likely Americans to be
going to Hungary. What's that all about? An insatiable yen for goulash?
A: A mighty munchy question. Wrongo. In fact, New Mexico leads the U.S. nation
in persons who are going hungry. As I see it, New Mexico, simply does not have enough
McDonald's, Subway and Burger King restaurants to meet the demand. Nobody in the United
States, except for supermodels, should ever be hungry.
Bush Bonanza
Q: I know that your story about George W. Bush
"sharing the wealth" with Democrats was a joke, but what will Mr. Bush actually
do with his excessive campaign contribution fortune?
A: A cash conscious question. Rumor has it that Mr. Bush, if he fails in his
presidential aspirations, will use his campaign contribution balance to buy a small
Central American country and immediately declare himself King.
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