Sweet Mother of Invention!
Question: Who invented, or introduced, Cotton-Candy? I heard it was a James
Jones at an exposition of some kind, around 1906-1909?
AnswerMan: A tooth-decaying question. According to my highly-placed
informational sources, James Earl Jones was eating cotton-candy while doing the Darth
Vader voiceovers for the first three Star Wars movies, hence the understandable confusion.
Cotton-candy was actually invented by the serendipitous team of Carlton Cotton and the
better-known late comedian John Candy in 1973. The sweets-oriented Candy was then paying
his rent by working as a lab assistant for Cotton when he accidentally spilled
confectioners sugar into Cotton's centrifuge. They quickly marketed the resultant product
to traveling carnivals under the name Cotton-Candy Tasty Treats.
Meat Market Management
Q: Why did eBay stop bidding on a human kidney? If someone wants to pay more
than $5 million for something someone else can spare, shouldn't that be allowed?
A: A highly organic question. As it turns out, our federal government frowns on
"trafficking in human organs" and discourages such activity with things like
$250,000 fines and five-year prison sentences. The way I see it, anyone who can get
$5,750,100 for a kidney could pay the fine, do the time and resume a very comfortable
single-kidney life in 2004.
The End?
Q: Are these recent devastating earthquakes signs that the Apocalypse will
occur at midnight Dec. 31?
A: A revelationary question. Yes, the final chapter in human history has
apparently begun in nations beginning with the letter "T." First, Turkey, then,
Taiwan. The apparent pattern is alphabetically backward, so I'm predicting that the next
countries to be hit by quakes will be Sweden and Spain. By midnight on New Year's Eve, it
will be all over. Question is, midnight in what time zone?
Shooting for Answers
Q: Do guns kill people, or does "evil" kill people?
A: A sharply aimed question. Without the element of people, guns rarely kill on
their own. Good people rarely kill other people with guns or any other weapon, so it must
be evil that kills people. Evil people without guns would probably still kill other
people, but they might have to work a little harder.
Conspiracy Theory
Q: How come all the other new network shows start in September, but
"X-Files" reruns keep airing until November? Is this some evil government plot
to switch loyal viewers to "Snoops"?
A: An alienating question. Have a little patience. It takes time to weave yet
another season of murky, unrelated story lines into something sufficiently coherent for
fans to endlessly analyze and debate. Trust me. The new episodes are out there.
[ Home ]