Beating around the Bush
Question: What's all this controversy over George W. Bush and his refusal to
answer questions about illegal drug use? Should I not vote for him if he makes the
ballot for president?
AnswerMan: A highly hallucinogenic question. Absolutely not. There are far too
many other reasons why you should not put Gov. Bush in the Oval Office. Before you decide,
go for the short list, the one giving the reasons why you should vote for Bush as
president.
RIP?
Q: Will the media ever let John F. Kennedy Jr. rest in peace?
A: A sensational question. That depends on the media. The mainstream media are
probably pretty much done with their coverage, although we can expect a massive rehash on
the first anniversary of the crash. The tabloids will probably never let go. Did you catch
the headline on the latest edition of the National Obsession? "JFK Jr and
Diana Found Alive in Milwaukee Love Nest!"
Identity Crisis
Q: I'm confused. Is Jesse Ventura a professional wrestler or a governor?
A: A gripping question. Gov. Ventura can probably be best described as an
elected official who is willing to "go to the mat" for his constituents. Still
to come: wildly popular Jesse Ventura action figure to take on all comers in a stop-action
animation, cage match, pay-per-view, cable special.
Bum Wrap!
Q: Why did Alcoa push through its hostile takeover bid for Reynolds Metals?
Won't that consolidation cost a lot of people their jobs?
A: Simple corporate questions. The simple corporate answer: because it can.
It's All Relative
Q: If Albert Einstein's theory of special relativity states that no object can
travel at the speed of light, then what meaning does the equation E=mc˛ have when
no object can travel at the speed of light?
A: A warped question. Al's equation has the same meaning it has always had:
energy (E) equals (=) mass (m) times the speed of light (c) squared (˛). As
every starship captain worth his or her salt knows, mass and energy are equivalent, and
mass increases with velocity; that is, until you kick it out of "impulse."
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