World Wide Web of Evil
Question: Is the Internet behind all this violence among today's young Americans?
Answer: A modem mayhem question. Of course it is. Before youngsters began their
unholy loitering on the Internet, gleaning information on mass murder, they were
completely harmless, well-adjusted human beings. They had names like Beaver and Opie. They
all lived in towns like Mayfield and Mayberry. The worst thing these little scamps ever
did was get stuck in a giant teacup on a billboard or swipe food for a hungry hobo. Somebody should do something about this computerized
corruption of American youth.
Look! Up in the Washington Sky!
Q: I have no doubt that Superman would be able to win the 2004
presidential race, but do you really think he would make a good president? What does he
know about politics? (Presidential Race Has Bulletproof
Candidate)
A: A simply super question. The two-term presidency of Ronald Reagan
conclusively proved that a chief executive need not be overly astute in the realm of
politics to hold the office. The President need only be publicly personable and enlist a
cadre of politically savvy advisors to get the job done. I think that you'll agree that
the Man of Steel has Ronnie beat in the public persona department. Imagine how much more
effective he will be in such scenarios as hostage rescues, peacekeeping and meteor
deflection.
Saving the Superhomeless
Q: I was really bummed to read of the yuppie home crisis. I realized how well
off I am in my cozy efficiency apartment. What can I do to help? (Serious Housing Shortage Threatens Nation's Yuppies)
A: A compassionately constructive question. While it looks like the superhome
market may never catch up with demand, you can help. Take up a collection and buy a really
expensive piece of furniture, perhaps something Scandinavian. Then, check the suburban
neighborhoods near you, find a deserving family in a big, nearly empty superhome and
present your gift. You'll be glad you did.
Café Olé!
Q: I am a longtime athlete's foot sufferer. What kind of coffee would best
succeed in ridding me of this affliction? (Behold, the Power
of Coffee!)
A: A stream-of-consciousness question. What you need is Ethiopian Yrgacheffe,
and plenty of it. Researchers found that a dozen cups of this hearty brew taken daily
vanquished both athlete's foot and dandruff, as well as psoriasis. You realize, of course,
that this remedy should be taken internally, not poured, piping hot, directly on the
affected areas.
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