Les Follies NATO
Question: I visited at least one other satirical web site last month featuring
a story in which NATO forces accidentally destroyed the Eiffel Tower. Do you guys harbor
some deep-seated resentment of the French? (NATO Airstrikes
'Inexact Science")
AnswerMan: A question of diplomacy. Not at all. France is one of the most
culturally fascinating places on earth. We do, however, harbor a deep-seated resentment of
war, particularly a war in which innocent civilians pay the price of gunboat diplomacy
with the alarming frequency demonstrated in the apparently haphazard NATO-Serbian conflict
missions. It is inconceivable, given the record, that such an internationally beloved
monument as the Eiffel Tower might become a casualty of NATO bombing buffoonery?
Two from Column B
Q: I noticed that two of your FutureNews™ stories for June poked fun at
the Chinese. Do you guys harbor some deep-seated resentment of the People's Republic? (Chinese Accuse Americans of Stealing Cooking Secrets, Chinese
Accept U.S. Peace Offer)
A: Another question of diplomacy. Not at all. China is one of the most
culturally fascinating places on earth. We do, however, harbor a deep-seated resentment of
war, particularly a war in which innocent civilians pay the price of gunboat diplomacy
with the alarming frequency demonstrated in the apparently haphazard NATO-Serbian conflict
missions. It is inconceivable, given the record, that the United States would offer the
Chinese "replacement citizens" as result of one of its many fatal
"intelligence" blunders?
Holiday Hijacking?
Q: Why has the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock seized upon Festivus
for its first official High Holy Holiday of Optional Observation? What's the matter?
Couldn't come up with a holiday of your own? (Pushing the Envelope)
A: A series of shamelessly irreverent questions. CRYES has consistently given
due credit to the superlative Seinfeld for creation of this very special day. We
felt that such a revolutionary holiday deserved to be more fully developed than it had by
a few references on a single TV episode. Naturally, we could have invented an original
holiday; but why do that, when such a great one was already withering on the vine?
To Be, Or Not To Be
Q: I never know what to expect when I wake up. One day, I'm abducted by
aliens; the next, I win $100 million in a national lottery. I can't cope with these
changes. How can I make my daily life more predictable?
A: That is the question. For starters, get a mundane job -- something like
insurance sales, rubber molding or anything in the retail field. Next, cultivate a
non-involvement social interaction policy. Don't get involved in the personal lives of
others, especially extraterrestrials, no matter how much they may insist on telling you
their personal problems. Finally, don't buy any more lottery tickets.
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