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Biting the Bullet
Question: The Globe-Guardian has sunk to a yet another new low with its May FutureNews™ stories. Where's your humanity? Have you no sympathy for the family and friends of those who were killed in the Columbine High School shootings? (Maybe Mass Murderer Sparks Media Frenzy, Higgins Graduates without Incident)
AnswerMan: A mass media mania question. Bad people will always kill people -- with guns, knives, candlestick holders or whatever other weapons happen to be available. In the face of that reality, we are only suggesting that a little media restraint in covering such incidents as the Colorado student shootings might do more to prevent future such tragedies than gun control. It goes to motivation, your honor.

War Stars
Q: How dare you trivialize the efforts of our brave boys in Yugoslavia with your cheap rip-off of a "Star Wars" scene? (Fighter Tapes Declassified)
A: A forceful question. The Globe-Guardian has difficulty buying the proposition that bombing a country back into the Stone Age is an acceptable route to peace. When you consider the growing list of non-military targets, including refugee trains, hospitals and the Chinese embassy, which have hit by NATO weapons, the real question becomes: How did chimpanzees gain control of this operation? On the charge of committing a Star Wars rip-off, we plead seduction by the Dark Side.

Another Other Woman
Q: I think your QuestionMan interview with the "Other Woman" was grossly unfair. Doesn't the U.S. Constitution guarantee "pursuit of happiness"? (The Other Woman)
A: A less than scholarly question. No, you're thinking of the U.S. Declaration of Independence. Among purposes expressed by the Constitution is "preserving domestic tranquility." Now, how, exactly, has the "Other Woman" contributed to attaining that objective?

Charge of the Card Brigade
Q: What was the point of your uranium credit card story in the last "Quick Takes? (HEAVY METAL CHARGE CARDS)
A: A highly charged question. No point, other than a comment on how fiercely silly credit card company competition has become. Watch your mailbox for "pre-approved offers" on the new Plutonium Card.

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