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Suicide Kills
Question: I was shocked and appalled to read your story about over-the-counter suicide kits (Home Suicide Kits Arrive in Stores). Suicide is no laughing matter. What's the matter with you people?
AnswerMan: A death-defying question. Sure, suicide is a nasty business, but dependable home suicide kits could bring a bit of order and dignity to the current suicidal chaos out there. Remember the Medicide Corp. slogan: "We will sell no kit before it's time."

Tofu Guru
Q: How come you think that American kids whose moms ate tofu when they were pregant (sic) are really dum (sic) like you sed (sic) in your story last month? (Study Links Tofu, Stupidity)?
A: Another strangely familiar question. Nice to hear from you again. You're that high school graduate who defended your "reddiness" for the labor market (Educated Inquiry) and complained about our interview with Competent Manager. Thanks for validating the AIMLESS study. We rest our case.

Microsoft Hardline
Q: Nice going, jumping on the anti-Microsoft band wagon (Allies Launch Strike Against Software Giant). Have you no appreciation of what Bill Gates has done for the world?
A: A decidedly off-base question. Au contraire, mon tofu-feasting frère. The story referenced was intended as a criticism of Justice Department persecution of Microsoft, not support. We feel the federal proceedings against Microsoft make about as much sense as our "bombing for peace" program in Yugoslavia.

Flock Falsification
Q: I know where your Rev. Groove got the first "members" who signed up for his "congregation." Is the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock so desperate that it would cannibalize the cast of "Different Strokes" to fake followers?
A: A Doubting Thomas question. Well, yes, CRYES is a little on the desperate side. Beyond that, we have no idea what you mean.

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