Question: I was shocked and appalled to read your story about
over-the-counter suicide kits (Home Suicide Kits Arrive in
Stores). Suicide is no laughing matter. What's the matter with you people?
AnswerMan: A death-defying question. Sure, suicide is a nasty business,
but dependable home suicide kits could bring a bit of order and dignity to the current
suicidal chaos out there. Remember the Medicide Corp. slogan: "We will sell no
kit before it's time."
Q: How come you think that American kids whose moms ate
tofu when they were pregant (sic) are really dum (sic) like you sed (sic) in your story
last month? (Study Links Tofu, Stupidity)?
A: Another strangely familiar question. Nice to hear from you again. You're
that high school graduate who defended your "reddiness" for the labor
market (Educated Inquiry) and complained
about our interview with Competent Manager.
Thanks for validating the AIMLESS study. We rest our case.
Q: Nice going, jumping on the anti-Microsoft band wagon (Allies Launch Strike Against Software Giant). Have you no
appreciation of what Bill Gates has done for the world?
A: A decidedly off-base question. Au contraire, mon tofu-feasting frère. The
story referenced was intended as a criticism of Justice Department persecution of
Microsoft, not support. We feel the federal proceedings against Microsoft make about as
much sense as our "bombing for peace" program in Yugoslavia.
Q: I know where your Rev. Groove got the first
"members" who signed up for his "congregation."
Is the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock so desperate that it would cannibalize the
cast of "Different Strokes" to fake followers?
A: A Doubting Thomas question. Well, yes, CRYES is a little on the desperate
side. Beyond that, we have no idea what you mean.
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