Death Takes a Holiday
Q: What is your fatwah ranking?
A: A deadly question, indeed. To the best of AnswerMan's knowledge, he
has never been placed on anyone's death list, not counting ex-wives, of course. One can
only hope to someday rise to a level of such significance, not to mention the possible
money-making opportunities any attendant publicity might generate.
Less May Be More
Q: Have you tried getting a decaf cappuccino in Pristina?
A: A unstimulating question. You may have hit upon a contributing
factor in the area's ongoing tensions. How can Serbians and ethnic Albanians all hopped up
on heavy doses of caffeine possibly calm down long enough to seriously talk peace? Come
on, guys, ask for the coffee pot with the orange top.
Q: As I read QuestionMan's interview with "Average American" in the February
edition, I was struck by his remarkable resemblance to Al Bundy of "Married with
Children." Am I wrong?
A: A most discerning question. Let's see. Both Al and Average American
are overweight, balding, low-income shoe salesmen, married to couch-dwelling,
chain-smoking, big-haired redheads; both drive Dodges, own modest homes and have two
troublesome kids. No, you're quite wrong. Al is much taller than Average, who could never
have scored four touchdowns in a single high school football game.
Smoking Out the Buyer
Q: OK, who was the mysterious buyer of the multi-million
presidential memorabilia cigar auctioned at Sotheby's?
Was it Hillary?
A: Probing questions. The story establishes that the unidentified
collector is a she, but it seems unlikely that Hillary would pay $7.6 million for an
object evoking such humiliating memories. Now, what woman personally involved in the
scandal would be fond enough of little relationship keepsakes and obtuse enough to pay
such an astounding price? Hmmm. I guess we'll never know.
Q: How can you have the audacity to tie, even in jest, the Vatican to organized crime? Do you have an overwhelming
desire to burn in the eternal fires of Hell?
A: Highly holy queries. Well, first came the loan sharking and
extortion investigation involving no less than a cardinal. Then came the sewer bill
default. Ya just gotta ask, what's up with all that? In the name of investigative
journalism and the public's God-given right to know, we chose to risk damnation and
all associated prickly heat discomforts.
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