Q: This question may be a little outside your realm of expertise, but here
goes. How can a guy keep a relationship with a woman going? How do these guys who have
been married for 40 to 50 years do it?
A: A question requiring that Answerman lurk at the fringes of supermarket
coffee corners and weekday bowling leagues to learn the secrets of elderly couples. He has
discovered that maintaining a long-term relationship requires only that you follow a few
simple lifetime rules. In the early stages of the relationship, you must recognize that:
her possessions are "furnishings" while your possessions are
"rummage"; and that her friends are "interesting" while your friends
are "history." Thereafter, you need only follow two maxims: (1.) She's the boss;
and (2.) You're always wrong. These rules work for Answerman only if the woman is
Janeane Garofalo. Following the rules would still be painful, but at least he would be
laughing about it.
Q: How could you possible kid about anyone wanting to do harm to anything as
cute and cuddly as that little Chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials? ("Fast food
revolutionary leader survives assassination
A: A howling good question. How could anyone who has been subjected to that
endless stream of commercials pushing Gorditas not want to assassinate the pooch?
AnswerMan personally saw that dog climb the fire escape in search of a taco handout an
estimated 13 times in one evening of primetime television. If Dinky fears for his life, I
think he should definitely go underground--one way or another.
Q: I don't get it. What's the point in bringing some half-breed wooly mammoth
back into the world? ("Mammoth mom wows world")
A: Ah, a big, floppy-eared question. Because scientists think they can? The
only practical purposes AnswerMan has uncovered in his extensive research on the subject,
according to an article published in the April 1984 issue of the MIT Technology Review, is
to "help pull immobilized convoy trucks out of snowdrifts on the Trans-Siberian
highway. This is now a troublesome task, as the machinery employed to do the job may
freeze in the bitter cold." Other possibilities included in the story are logging and
work on the Trans-Siberian pipeline. By the way, the article also claimed that the
Russians had successfully delivered two male mammoth hybrids after fusing ova material
taken from a frozen wooly mammoth with elephant sperm and implanting the resultant cell
clusters in elephants.
[ Home ]