Masculine Ingenuity?
Question: How come guys
know how to do so much stuff?
AnswerMan: A question of misperception. Guys don't really
know how to do all that much, but they are always ready to take things apart in
often misguided efforts to make repairs.
Most guys follow the philosophy that if
something is already broken, they can't make it any worse by trying to fix it.
(They should not, however, be allowed to apply this philosophy in certain
situations, including aircraft in flight and explosive devices.) On rare occasions, guys will, much to the amazement of their significant others,
actually succeed in their missions. Some will even reassemble the devices they
have deconstructed and leave few or no leftover parts.
These guys will then store the
knowledge they have gained, re-apply it to similar situation they later
encounter, thereby astounding any witnesses to their handiness.
Skeeter Bait
Q: Why do mosquitoes attack some people but not others,
and why do their bites itch so damn much?
A: Bloody good questions. Mosquitoes, as everyone knows, hunt in
packs. The lead mosquito will assess and choose the intended victim while the
others swarm nearby awaiting her signal to begin their vicious group attack and
feeding frenzy.
You can greatly reduce your chances of attracting the
attention of the lead mosquito by avoiding certain behaviors. DO NOT become a
straggler or wander off into heavily wooded areas. DO NOT appear to have your arms disabled.
DO NOT throw
chum into nearby waters. No, wait, that's for sharks. Well, same thing. DO wear heavy clothing and sensible, closed shoes. DO
quickly cover any minor wounds you sustain. Once a lead mosquito catches the
scent of blood, it's pretty much like ringing a dinner bell for the pack.
The itch of the mosquito bite is Mother Nature's way
of protecting victims. If you did not receive that warning following the first
bite, you might not realize that remote areas of your body, such as the toes and
ankles, were under sustained mosquito attack. You could hit the ground, a
bloodless, lifeless corpse, before you even became aware that you had a problem.
The Jackson Six, Five,
Four...
Q: How many Jacksons are expected to appear at the reunion
planned this fall at Madison Square Garden?
A: A countdown question. Well, let's see. It
began with Jackie, Tito, Marlon, Michael Jermaine, the original
"Jackson Five," plus Randy. Then, Jermaine and Randy had a
public beef with the show producer, calling into question their appearance
in the show. Then, Randy was back in and Jermaine was still out. Still
later, both Randy and Jermaine were planning to participate. Hey, just for
planning purposes, why not bill the Jackson appearance as "The Guess
Who"? Fans could then be billed as "The Guess Who Cares?"
Re-Dividing the Pollution Pie
Q: I see that the Kyoto world climate
includes provisions allowing participating nations to do "emissions
trading." What does that mean?
A: A gassy question. Emissions trading was
included by the Kyoto provisions to draw the world's most massive polluter, the
United States, into the agreement. Not only did fail to do so, but it undermines
the basic purpose of the agreement -- worldwide reduction of greenhouse gas
pollution and global warming.
Emissions trading basically allows developing nations
with low GHG emissions to sell their unused air pollution "credits" to
more industrialized nations which are spewing more than their shares of carbon
dioxide into the atmosphere. This arrangement has the effect of increasing
overall emissions by allowing buyers to convert non-polluting
"credits" into genuine greenhouse gases. I'm sure this would make
sense in the Bizarro World, but it's not doing this world any good.
Getting Physical
Q: Do violent demonstrations such as those during the recent summit
in Italy change anything? Do they make world leaders change their ways or opinions? Isn't there a better way?
A: Bruising questions. Well, like your mother
always told you, violence never solves anything. You must admit, however, that
in situations over which you have no control, violence certainly does a good job
of making it clear that you are unhappy with your lot in life, plus you can get
a little exercise overturning vehicles. World leaders, of course, rarely change
their ways or opinions, unless their tenure in office becomes threatened by
their current viewpoints. A far better way is to work within the system,
ensuring that you get new leaders sympathetic to your cause in a position to
effect change. Yeah, right. That will happen.
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