Spy vs. Spy: Part II
Question: Why should
either China or the United States apologize for the collision which forced a
U.S. surveillance plane to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island? Don't
nations still have the right to spy on each other?
AnswerMan: A high-flying question. Of course they
do. If the countries of the world ever became completely honest and open about
their activities, it would just take all the darn fun out of espionage. We may
never know for certain what went on in those skies. Perhaps the Americans were
simply trying to determine how many nuclear secrets the Chinese had stolen from
them. Maybe the Chinese simply wanted to learn how many cooking
secrets the Americans had swiped from them. In any case, the crisis has
passed. What do you say America gets on with the business of mending its fences
with the People's Republic by arming the Taiwanese?
Get Cold, Get a Cold
Q: I've read that researchers have linked the likelihood
of getting the common cold to stress. Any truth to this?
A: A thermal question. Sheer poppycock! Anyone with an ounce of
sense knows that the real reason people get colds is that they foolishly expose
themselves to cold outdoor temperatures. Ever notice how the same people who
shiver and whine on a summer day when the temperature outside dips to 55 are the
same people to gleefully shed their outerwear and frolic in the park on an early
spring day when the temperature climbs to 55? These, then, are the very same
individuals who are either calling in sick the following week or walking around
the workplace coughing, sneezing and leaving mucus trails wherever they wander
in their zombie-like states. The cold virus constantly lurks in wait for these
voluntary victims. If only they had listened to their mothers, dressed sensibly
and taken their daily vitamins, the common cold would be extinct today.
Pardon the Patrolman
Q: Why is the Philippine government
persecuting CHiPS star Erik Estrada? Isn't it bad enough that this fine
actor is now forced to do advertising for fly-by-night phone companies and
make myriad cameo appearances on situation comedies? How much must this
poor man endure?
A: A ponchy question. I fear that you have confused
Erik with another former actor, Joseph Estrada, who took a cue from Ronald
Reagan and became president of the Philippines. Unfortunately, former
President Joseph Estrada may have also taken a cue from another former
Filipino head of state, one Ferdinand Marcos, and taken advantage of his
position to line his own pockets with millions of dollars. To the best of
my knowledge, the two Estradas are not related.
Golden Globes
Q: Wow. I see that Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour bra was
recently auctioned for $20,000. Do you think that was a good deal?
A: A restraining question. Nope definitely not. The
black satin, conical item in question was expected to bring only $4,000.
No word, yet, on how much the Chilean fashion museum which had the
successful bid at the Christie's auction would be willing to shell out for
matching panties.
Any Way You Slice It
Q: What do Wisconsin and the likely winner
of Survivor II have in common?
A: A
dairy good question. That's an easy one. It's Colby. Wisconsin has a city by
that name famous for, as you might have guessed, its cheese. Survivor II has a
contestant by that name famous for, as you might have guessed, his cheesy smile.
[ Home ]