A Brighter Shade of Pale
Question: Is it true that blondes have more fun?
AnswerMan: A highly reflective question. You have
touched upon the sacred dogma of the Church of the
Rotate Your Envelope Stock. Among the CRYES strongly held tenets is the belief
that: "Blondes do not have
more fun; they only reflect more light." Because of this reflective
property, they tend to draw the male eye when they appear in a room dominated by
redheads and brunettes. However,
many darker-haired females have attempted to take advantage of this phenomenon
by chemically becoming "blondes" themselves. Unfortunately, this has
produced an excess supply of blondes, resulting in increased competition for the
attention of the limited available male supply and less fun per blonde.
Grand Old Party Poopers
Q: Why is it every time a
Republican is the President we always seem to be headed for a recession?
A: A perceptive question. It's a case of simple
economics. Whenever a Republican president is elected to office, wealthy
Americans can look forward to four to eight years of tax breaks. Because
the rich owners of the American means of production are allowed retain
significantly more of their money, they are less motivated to make a
profit. Thus, we have manufacturing cutbacks, higher unemployment and yes,
an economic recession, at least for the working poor. The fact that
Republicans are deadly dull and conservative only adds depression to the
Spy vs. Spy
Q: What's up with this American FBI agent, Robert Hanssen,
selling the Ruskies the "crown jewels" of U.S. intelligence
during 15 of his 25 years with the bureau?
A: An oxymoronic question. Really, "U.S." and
"intelligence" in the same sentence? Tsk, tsk. Well, whatever
Hanssen allegedly sold to the Russians, it obviously wasn't enough,
considering the current sad state of the former Soviet republics. What if
Hanssen was actually a self-employed double-double agent, working for the
FBI and pretending to be a double agent but really still working for the
FBI? What if the Soviet agents to whom Hanssen allegedly sold information
were, in fact, double-double agents, KGB agents who had been placed in the
U.S. intelligence (there's that phrase again) community who had
defected from the Soviet Union and were still masquerading as genuine
Russian spies? Wow. Could either the FBI or the KGB accurately track who
was really working for whom? I don't think so.
One Against Humanity?
Q: Hows come my number one boy, Eminem, got
ripped off at the Grammys by not gittin' "album of the year"?
A: A noisy question. Well maybe it's because that
award usually goes to performers of actual music, in this case, jazz-rock duo Steely
Dan, not to purveyors of bad poetry set to a heavy beat. I have to give
credit to Enema (oops, make that Eminem), though, where credit is due. He's the whitest thing to
happen to rap since Vanilla Ice.
Q: Why would President Bill Clinton choose to sully his
otherwise sterling two terms in the Oval Office by pardoning Marc Rich on his
last day at work?
A: A needy question. Well, apparently Bill
thought that looting the White House, hillbilly style, as he and Hillary moved
out, might not be quite enough to keep him in the national spotlight as just
another ex-president. He pardoned Rich to underwrite his continued notoriety --
with great success, I might add. No matter what George W. did during his first
week as our intrepid new national leader, Bad Boy Clinton bumped him from
leading front page stories throughout the country. Way to go, Willy!
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