Counter Culture
Question: How many Florida voters does it take to elect a
President?
AnswerMan: A light bulb screwing question. Florida
apparently has enough voters to get the job done, but they seem to have
trouble casting valid ballots. This is probably just a manifestation of a
vast Republican conspiracy headed by George W. Bush's brother, Florida
Gov. Jeb Bush, to strategically place punch card balloting systems in
heavily Democratic districts, knowing that thousands of economically
deprived voters, weakened by hunger, would not have the strength to push a
stylus completely through the ballot card.
I Don't Think So
Q: Is it possible to design a foolproof
election ballot?
A: An easy question. As the old adage so succinctly states:
"It's impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious." In the case of the Florida vote for President, the so-called
"butterfly ballot" is probably just a manifestation of a vast
Republican conspiracy headed by George W. Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush,
to design ballots which only conservative voters could understand.
Delaying Tactics
Q: How did the final word on who gets to be President end
up in Florida? Shouldn't Florida, being in the Eastern Standard Time Zone, have
been among the first states to close it polls and get its votes counted?
A: Timely questions. Florida's poll hours are 7 a.m.-7
p.m., which would have closed the state's polls a full hour earlier than many
other EST states. In the case of the Florida vote for President, this delay in
tallying votes is probably just a manifestation of a vast conspiracy headed by
George W. Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, to give Florida the deciding
role in the Electoral College vote for President.
Where's Jeremy?
Q: What sounds like a man, weighs hardly anything and has
never had sex, yet appears to be pregnant?
A: A riddling question. The answer is, of course,
"Chad." This is probably just a manifestation of a vast Republican
conspiracy headed by George W. Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, to
discredit and invalidate "pregnant Chads" by bringing issues of
ambiguous sexual identity and unwed parenthood into the vote counting equation.
Educational Decision
Q: I'm thinking about continuing my
education after I graduate from high school this coming spring. What kind of
degree programs are offered by this Electoral College I've heard so much about
lately?
A: A question that counts. It seems that you are out
of luck here, my friend, as the Electoral College offers grants no degrees. You
might like the fact that it holds "classes" only once every four
years, which would be a dream schedule for most students. Otherwise the college
appears to serve no useful purpose. It's probably just a manifestation of a vast
Republican conspiracy headed by George W. Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush,
to steal the 2000 Presidential election from Al Gore, who won the popular vote
nationwide.
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