Question: Are many humanoid males simply hosts to lower
lifeforms? How does one differentiate between the sapient and the disguised
AnswerMan: Symbiotic questions. A staff member presented
the perfect opportunity to obtain definitive answers. We had become suspicious
of Jake "The Blur" Stein, our sports correspondent. In less than a week,
Jake had been transformed from a relatively
svelte, environmentally active, Ralph Nader supporter into a grotesquely
overweight, ultra conservative moron spouting lines like "Harvest
the homeless. Soylent Green is people!" And, yes, he was breathing
exclusively through his mouth, much to the annoyance of his nearby coworkers.
the pretext of requiring a company physical, we lured him to a local hospital,
wherein we immediately ran a few dozen computerized axial tomography
scans. Sure enough, we found a Rush Limbough clone inside. We're not quite sure
how to proceed, as even the comprehensive Globe-Guardian employee handbook
did not anticipate this situation. However, we've suspended Jake from his
staff duties under the handbook's "unexplained absence" clause
while we decide on our course of action. The best way
to detect whether a particular humanoid male in your life is afflicted by a similar problem
is to watch his expression as you accuse him of voting for George W. Bush. If he
displays no anger, sapience is not present.
Q: If a missile left Pyongyang heading
for Los Angeles traveling at 15,000 miles per hour and another missile left
Kwajalein Atoll minutes later traveling at 12,000 miles per hour, is there
a chance that the second missile could hit the first missile before it reaches
A: A going ballistic question. Well considering that this feat
has been likened to "hitting bullet with a bullet," the answer is
probably "no." On the outside chance that the actual answer might be
"maybe," let's spend $60 billion or so, violate the Anti-Ballistic
Missile Treaty, and piss off China and Russia to find out.
A Word from Our Sponsor
Q: Did I hear the voice of Mission Control make what
sounded like a commercial announcement at the liftoff of a recent U.S.
A: A self-promoting question. Yes, although I believe
the "message" you heard was something like "Making shuttle
history and building our future in space." This could be simply in-house
practice for future liftoff messages which may go something like "Three,
two, one, ignition. There goes the McDonald's, making shuttle history and paving
space for the Big Mac."
Not a Chance
Q: Are you on the road to making money on the internet? Do
you want an opportunity to earn big bucks from your home computer?
A: Daily questions. Silly spammer.
Everybody is on the road to making money on the internet, just ask that
buddy who invested his life savings in all those "dot-com"
initial public offerings. The only sure-fire way to make big bucks from
your home computer is to invest a few dollars more a computer video camera
and set up a web site offering 24/7 surveillance of your activities on a
pay-per-view basis. The real question becomes, how much web traffic can
you generate for "reallyuglybucknakedguy.com"?
Wurde Sie mögen Fischrogen mit dem?
Q: How this all those foreign students
American employers brought in this year for summer help work out?
A: A question which does not translate well. Things
went splendidly in the fast food industry. Thanks to the mathematically
challenged nature of today's American high school student, chain restaurants
long ago substituted pictures of their products for those confusing numbers
found on traditional cash registers. Consequently, foreign temps hired for the
summer were able to do fine jobs, to the extent that they were able to determine
which picture on the wall each customer's pointing figure indicated as a meal
choice. Most fast food managers found that they need keep only one
English-speaking employee on each shift to step in whenever a customer wanted
something not illustrated.
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