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The Illusion of Choice
Question: While reading September's Future News, "Tweedledum or Tweedledee?" I decided when I printed a copy (as I usually do, to save for posterity) whichever candidate's face showed up on the printout would be elected our next president. It happened to be Al Gore. Then I thought, is this really fair? Perhaps I should print 100 copies and see who shows up on the majority of them. However, I discarded this plan and thought I would first write to you and see if you had any inside information on how this might turn out, thus saving me time, paper and ink. Do you have any information or thoughts on this subject?
AnswerMan: A random question. This seemed like such an excellent way to test our theory concerning the basic interchangeability of Al and GW that we assigned a little research project to our "staff of hundreds." Ten staffers were each told to get the September FutureNews™ page on their browsers, stop the animation 100 times and record which candidate appeared on their screens. Sure enough, when our results were tallied, the image had frozen on Al and GW exactly 500 times each. There's your answer. Electing one candidate to the Oval Office is the same as electing the other. In fact, to ease the burden of leadership, they could sub for each other, you know? Something like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen both playing Michelle Tanner on Full House, only cuter.

Sea Salt Seasoning
Q: Why is there salt in the oceans?
A: A spicy question. The answer is really very simple, the oceans are salty to make all the seafood we are catching and eating to extinction every day more delicious. In the beginning, the oceans were fresh and salt-free, and the fish were not nearly as yummy. Don't believe me? Just order some farm-grown catfish next time you're dining out.

Star Power Play
Q: Do you think Alec Baldwin would really leave the United States if George W. Bush is elected President?
A: A Red October question. Horrors! I certainly hope not. What a sham the American film industry would become if it was forced to make do with one less Baldwin brother. Even worse, he might take wife, Kim Basinger, with him. I can only hope that this is not the leading edge of another disturbing trend in celebrity politics. What if, for example, Arnold Schwarzenegger declared he would return to Austria if Al Gore is elected? The repercussions are too terminating to even imagine!

NATO Alert
Q: What do you think of this Yugoslavian presidential election situation? Should we get involved?
A: An explosive question. You bet your backside, we should. Clearly, the system is not working in Pristina. We have no alternative but to give our NATO buddies a call, fire up the bombers and cruise missiles and go back to work. Apparently, the only language our old pal, Slobodan, understands it the kind that rains from the skies and goes boom. By golly, we Americans just happen to speak that language fluently.

Normie? Cliffie?
Q: I understand that the U.S. Supreme Court may hear the case of George Wendt and John Ratzenberger vs. Paramount Pictures in their attempt to secure the rights to their Norm and Cliff characters from Cheers. Do you think this a prudent use of the court's time?
A: An everybody-knowing-your-name question. Absolutely. Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Controlling the commercial rights to a character you played at the height of your acting career sure would help a lot.

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