Ha! Told Ya So!
Question: I'm a forty-something gal who has been
replacing beef with tofu in all of my meals since the sixties. Can I expect to live
longer than my carnivorous friends?
AnswerMan: A red-blooded question. Yes, you could very
well live longer than those of your friends who have thoughtlessly clogged their
circulatory systems and padded their bodies through fatty beef consumption, but
you might not know it. As the Globe-Guardian FutureNews™ staff reported way
back in April of 1999, tofu may be good
for your heart, but it's bad for your brain. According to a recently released
study by the National Institute on Aging, middle-aged people who have ingested a lot of
tofu scored lower on cognitive tests and had lower brain weight than those who
were smart enough to avoid these nefarious bean curds in the first place. Score another
one for PEEKING™.
M-M-M-My Generation?
Q: Help! I'm being crushed between the baby
boomers and Generation Y. It's bad enough they called us "X.". Now, we
don't even get to make our presence felt in the music and entertainment
industries?
A: An influential question. Nope. Sorry. The score, as it
currently stands, is boomers, 78 million; Gen Y, 74 million; Gen X, 38 million.
Not even close. I'll bet you're an only child. You're not the slacker everyone says you are.
Your parents were the ones not trying hard enough.
Doggone!
Q: I've read that my favorite TV spokesman, the Taco Bell
Chihuahua is the victim of a corporate management shake-up. Can this
possibly be true?
A: A hounding question. Well, it's true that a
continuing sales slump recently resulted in the top dog at Tricon Global
Restaurants, as well as the advertising agency behind the popular canine
spokesman, getting the ax. While television viewers apparently enjoyed watching
an obnoxious Chihuahua waiting for an opportunity to munch a chalupa dropped on
the pavement, they just weren't being sufficiently motivated to buy the
products. Go figure.
Holey Dilemma
Q:
In the last two years, I've had 43 body parts pierced. Last week, my left nipple
fell off, and the right one is looking a little puffy. Should I be concerned
about by genital piercings?
A: A penetrating question. Yes, be afraid; be very
afraid. Body piercing has been linked to such nasty maladies as hepatitis and
AIDS. Germs are constantly looking for ways into the human body, and you have
thoughtfully provided 43 more avenues. Say, one of those pierced body parts
doesn't happen to be your brain, does it?
Monkeying Around
Q: What's up with the Kansas State Education Board
dropping all science course references to evolution?
A: A fully upright question. Rumor has it that the
board has also eliminated all science curriculum references to a spherical
earth. Evolutionary theory critics are now pushing an "intelligent
design" explanation for human existence. Hey, they may just have something
there. The intellectually elite have always known that Mankind was placed here
as a scientific experiment by a vastly superior alien race. We are more than a
bit apprehensive, however, about Judgment Day, when the aliens will return,
gauge the project success and decide if it will continue. Let's hope they don't
base their decision on what they find in Kansas.
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