Stocking Up
Question: What is the Standard and Poor Stock Index? What
stocks are involved??
AnswerMan: Highly marketable questions. Not being much of a
gambler, I really didn't know; so I looked in the USA Today Money section to
find out. Guess what? The Standard and Poor Stock Index is apparently a number
that stock market players check before placing or canceling their bets. The
stocks involved seem to be 500. I hope this has helped.
Order of Succession
Q: I need really need some help. My husband's
name is Thomas Eric Smith, and we named our first son after him,
which made our son Thomas Eric Smith Jr. Well, my son was told by a
teacher that to name his son after himself, the baby would be called
Thomas Eric Smith the First. This does not sound right to me, wouldn't the
baby be Thomas Eric Smith the Third and not the "First"? Help.
The baby is due anytime now! Thank you.
A: An entitling question. Don't worry. I have it on good authority
that Tommy Jr. and Mrs. Tommy Jr. are legally free to name the upcoming
Tommie anything they want. Yours is not the first family which preferred
recycling names to finding new ones for all their offspring. If your son
really wants to impress people with the new arrival's pedigree, name him
Thomas Eric Smith VIII. In a few years, nobody will ever think to
check on how many bona fide TES predecessors there were.
Baptist Babe Ban
Q: I'm an 18-year-old Southern Baptist girl who wants to become
a pastor. Since the Southern Baptist Convention recently banned female pastors,
am I out of luck?
A: A congregational question. Not at all, although you may need
to switch your faith to something like the United Methodist Church, which allows
not only women pastors but women bishops. You might also want to submit an
application to the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock. Although the size
of this religism does not currently merit the addition of clergy beyond
the original founding pastor, your application will be kept on file for
consideration in the event that CRYES entertains establishing a mission
congregation elsewhere. Further good news, CRYES requires no bothersome doctorate of
divinity or other advanced degrees, which means a considerable savings of time
and money to you in your quest to lead a flock. Think about it.
Canine Combat
Q: I have been following with great trepidation the fight
between Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog and the Pets.com sock puppet puppy. Does
the outcome of this legal battle hold major ramifications for the future of
puppet entertainment and, more importantly, life on this planet as we know it?
A: A great question, an outstanding question, perhaps the
finest question I have ever received -- for me to poop on. Of course not. The
obvious solution to this situation is to schedule the Pets.com pooch as guest on
Late Night with Conan O'Brien, then have him "ambushed" in an
unscheduled appearance by Triumph. What should be giving you night sweats is a
rumored case pitting Scooby-Doo against Astro, the Jetsons dog. The heated
dispute there centers on who owns the rights to the letter "R" in the
doggified speech used by both characters.
What's in a Name?
Q: I see that the Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now the
Prince Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. Isn't this name as
little too long to fit on the standard check signature line?
A: A princely question, indeed. This Minneapolis songster now
claims that he will be sticking with the name "Prince" for the rest of
his life. Before he became ensnared in a recording industry label dispute, he
was known as Prince Rogers Nelson. If it simplifies your life, you can think of
the Prince Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince as "Nelson."
[ Home ]