Wee
Warriors
Question: I see where gun battles in Burma/Myanmar are being fought by
children. What's going on over there?
AnswerMan: A babes-in-arms question. A Burmese rebel faction calling itself
God's Army is led by 12-year-old twins. I understand, following recent God's Army defeats
at the hands of the ruling government junta, that a rival faction known as God's Other
Army is challenging the twins for rebel leadership. The new group is led by 6-year-old
triplets who claim that the God's Army twins have grown too old and feeble to successfully
champion their cause.
Particular Particle
Q: I have been following, with great excitement, scientific efforts to find the
subatomic particle known as the Higgs boson. Any new progress in this area?
A: A hefty question. No luck yet in finding what has also been nicknamed the
God Particle because it is believed to endow all matter in the universe with its mass.
Good news, though. Scientists have succeeded in isolating another key subatomic particle
known as the Higgins Particle. Its key function appears to be riding herd on the Magnum,
TC and Rick atomic particles in an effort to keep order in the Masters Nucleus.
Choosing Sides
Q: I don't get it. The United States and its NATO allies expended tremendous
military and human resources to enforce the autonomy of ethnic Albanians in Serbia, yet no
one has lifted a finger to help Chechnya's struggle against Russia. Why is that?
A: A mushrooming question. Let's see, in both cases you've got vastly superior
military forces attempting to throttle Islamic guerilla separatists in a historically
disputed ethnic area within their national boundaries. NATO had no problem with
antagonizing Serbia and killing numerous civilians in the process of supporting Kosovo's
ethnic Albanians, but the allies are apparently reluctant to bait the Russian Bear in the
case of Chechnya. What's the difference? Wait, I've got it. Can you say intercontinental
ballistic missile?
Today's Secret Service Wants to Join You
Q: According to the ads I've been reading in major national publications, the
U.S. Secret Service is recruiting. What are the chances that an ordinary Joe like me could
become a really cool Secret Service agent?
A: A highly classified question. With the G-Men expecting to hire
hundreds of special agents, uniformed officers and support staffers in the next two years,
you've got a shot. Beware, however, of the possible consequences should you fail to make
the grade. In the course of the hiring process, you might learn too much about the
organization for it to simply "let you go." Know what I mean?
Thrifty Threat
Q: As a victim of corporate downsizing, I do much of my shopping these days at
area "thrift" stores. I've heard that a lot of the products on the shelves of
these stores are potentially dangerous and have been recalled by their manufacturers.
What's up with that?
A: A fatally frugal question. The Consumer Product Safety Commission recently
revealed that close to 70 percent of thrift stores checked carried products deemed unsafe.
Not to worry, though, because another recent study showed that people poor enough to buy
their clothing and home furnishings from thrift shops were also smart enough to avoid the
hazards these products present to the wealthier morons who donate them as tax write-offs.
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