Xenicalifragilisticexpialidocious
Question: Is it true that I can lose pounds and pounds of ugly fat just by
taking a prescription pill?
AnswerMan: An uncontrollably moving and well-oiled question. Yes, it's true. Be
advised, however, that this new fat-blocking medication, which goes by the generic handle
of orlistat, does not do its job without certain possible, urgent, socially objectionable
side effects. Considering the significant percentage of Americans who are overweight and
unlikely to alter their diets while taking this wonder drug, I plan to dump my life
savings into the companies which manufacture adult diapers.
Tying One On
Q: World War II, the first moon landing, the end of "Seinfeld." I
can't decide. What, in your opinion, was the single most important event of the last
millennium?
A: A question in a thousand. Without a doubt, the only event which occurred
between the years 1000 and 2000 certain to hold repercussions far into the foreseeable
future was the Ty Inc threat to "retire," possibly stop making, all Beanie
Babies at the end of the century. And you thought all those people who had the shrewd
investment sense to buy as many Beanie Babies they could find were crazy. Crazy, huh?
Crazy like a fox.
Pokémon Polemics
Q: What is this Pokémon thing all about? If it's for children, why are so many
adults buying all of this Pokémon paraphernalia?
A: A monstrous question. Fully understanding the world of Pokémon is an
unlikely prospect for any adult, unless she or he can find a child with the infinite
patience to explain it. Suffice it to say that all things Pokémon are the latest
investment craze in the world of grownups who have entirely too much disposable income.
Say, here's an idea. What if 4Kids Entertainment would decide to "retire" all
Pokémon characters at the end of 2000?
Lean, Mean, Left Wing Machine
Q: Your publication leans entirely too far to the left. I lean very right. What
would you suggest for me?
A: A question of balance. The Globe-Guardian, being a satirical publication,
has no obligation to be "objective" in the material it presents, although we
have not been above bashing the liberal side of the equation from time to time. As for
you, I suggest you find a little equilibrium in your own political outlook, or you just
might tip right over.
Looking for the Man
Q: I've been enjoying your fascinating Obscure Celebrity interviews, however, I
was disappointed that you haven't been able to corner and interview Area Man yet. I see
him referred to in newspaper headlines all the time, but I know absolutely nothing about
him. Maybe a future interview?
A: A story connection question. In response to your query, we've corrected our
embarrassing oversight in this very issue. See "Area
Man" to learn about this fascinating individual.
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